2007: My Predictions For The New Year – By Brian Morton

 Ordinarily, I keep my psychic abilities a secret. After all, I don’t need a bunch of Jerry Springer audience types chasing me around trying to find out about their future…let’s be realistic here, it’s usually cigarettes and a new trailer anyway! But, for this special, one time only, occasion, I’ll put the turban on my head, pull out my tarot cards, sit in front of the crystal ball and predict what will happen in the year 2007!

Now, the room is dark, the spirit is present and I’ll now go into my trance……

-In the year 2007, Clint Eastwood will bring his famed character, Dirty Harry, out of retirement. But, instead of working the streets and beating up thugs, Harry will now be working in a retirement home, where he will hunt down the denture thief that roams the hallways. The ‘Dirty’ moniker now refers to Harry’s adult diaper.

-In the year 2007, Charlton Heston will be found wandering the streets of Hollywood, the ailing actor will be confused and believe himself to be on the actual Planet of the Apes and, when police are confused by his ‘damned dirty ape’ remarks, the actor will be severely beaten.

-In the year 2007, director Francis Ford Coppola will return to his Godfather roots, but in an unusual turn, Coppola combines his famed franchise with his favorite James Caan movie, Kiss Me Goodbye, to have Sonny Corleone return to the series as a ghost who will advise the current Don, played by Vince Vaughn. The movie will be titled Godfather IV: Life Support.

-In the year 2007, in an attempt to finally wrap up his Star Wars series, George Lucas does indeed bring Star Wars to television, but not as the adventure series that was predicted, but as a sit-com! In the series, Jar Jar Binks and Sons, we find the most reviled Star Wars character running an intergalactic junk yard with his children…who, we’ll all discover, are more annoying than their parent!

And my final prediction:

-In the year 2007, RogueCinema.com Makes The Headlines! No, not for the great writing, the insightful interviews or the pure independent cinematic fun, but when webmaster/editor Duane Martin is indicted as an international movie pirate. Although, Duane only pirates Dolly Parton movies, when Dolly catches wind of it, she sues all members of the Rogue Reviewers into bankruptcy and force them to labor for free, as part of her own ‘Small World’ display, at Dollywood.

Okay, the trance is fading…fading…fading…and I’m back! Damn, those are some great predictions, except for that last one, we’re going to have to get that DVD burner from Duane…quick! But there you have it, hopefully the beginning of a great year for everyone. And, from all of us here at Rogue Cinema, Happy New Year and may all your New Years Resolutions come true!