A Telethon for the B-Movie Impaired – By Brian Morton

Since I’ve outed myself to the world as the Bad Movie Guy, I can’t count the number of people who have walked up to me and asked for a movie recommendation. And while I’m always happy to recommend something, I’ve found that the movies that you and I might find to be staples of movie viewing most of the general populace is unfamiliar with (and in some cases even shun) great movies like Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Re-Animator or I Spit On Your Grave. And, since I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf and instead of mocking these people and actually help these poor misguided souls, I’ve decided to make myself the Jerry Lewis of the B-Movie World and start my own telethon for the B-Movie Impaired…who, from here on, will be known as Brian’s Kids. Let’s meet some of my kids, shall we?

First up, meet Mike, now, Mike’s the kind of moviegoer who’s there for the ‘art’. When asked Mike says he would never darken the door of a theatre showing Snakes On A Plane or any version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Poor Mike will never know the joy of watching Godzilla battle another giant monster to the death, he’ll never feel the sheer exhilaration of not knowing what’s out there in the woods in Evil Dead. Friends, for mere pennies a day we can get Mike out from in front of the ‘art’ movies and in front of a good old Friday The 13th sequel. Isn’t it worth it?

Next, let’s meet poor little Robby. Robby has been exposed to a small segment of the B-Movie world, having seen a couple of the Friday The 13th movies and one or two of the Nightmare On Elm Street saga, but Robby has only skimmed the surface of what we all know as a rich and fulfilling world. For your small donation, Robby can be watching Godzilla: Giant Monsters All Out Attack, or Fiend Without A Face. Isn’t it worth that small price to make sure that young Robby gets the B-Movie help he so desperately needs?

Finally, let me introduce you to Eric. Eric has never seen a B-Movie, he’s not opposed to them, and he’s just never seen the reason to watch I Spit On Your Grave or any of the hundreds of micro-budget movies on DVD out there. With only a very small contribution, you can help Eric by letting him view these and other great and classic B-Movies. Your money is all Eric needs to help him on the road to B-Movie happiness!

So, friends, can’t you see it in your heart to help these, and hundreds of other poor people, who just don’t understand B-Movies. We’re here to help St. Duane’s Hospital (St. Duane being the patron saint of the B and low budget movie), to help all those who are B-Movie deprived. But we can’t do it without your help, kind friends, your money allows us to do the work of the B-Movie gods, and, rest assured that they will smile kindly on all of our kind contributors. Thank you in advance for your support.