It was one evening a few months ago that I found a video of Mr. Spock on my computer monitor. He was sitting on the side of a gravel pit wearing a blue blazer and white pants. All around him were scraggly looking women from the 1970s in bright shirts wearing buttons that read, “Hobbits Unite”. Wouldn’t you know it, the man who promoted the idea “live long and prosper” began to sing in that deep voice of his about everyone’s favorite shire resident, Bilbo Baggins. I had seen the video way long ago when I was a kid. Somehow I had managed to show it off into the recycling bin in my brain. Unfortunately for me, the song was back along with the images of pointy eared women dancing around Leonard Nemoy. This prompted me to ask the question, why oh why can’t actors keep away from the recording studios. Let the investigation begin.
I thought of what Eddie Murphy once said about singers getting all the, well, lets just say women. Perhaps that is the reason why so many people on the big screen can’t keep their whiny vocal chords shut. Matter of fact Eddie Murphy teamed up with Rick James for the well known 80s dance floor clearer, Party All The Time. If that anthem didn’t get stuck in your head, don’t worry. Eddie Murphy teamed up with Michael Jackson years later in the 90s for the song Whatsupwitu. No that isn’t a typo, it is spelled right. I still have the disturbing visions of the video featuring Michael and Eddie singing with a bunch of little boys in school outfits running around them. I won’t bother touching that last sentence; I’m sure you can come up with something creative to say on your own.
Still, I have to hand it to Eddie because very much like Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Jennifer Lopez, he actually succeeded at one time in music. Who exactly are buying the records, more than likely people with a very guilty conscious. Although the people I listed have very little talent on the microphone, they are nothing compared to other music travesties I discovered.
In my investigation on these crimes against ear drums, I found myself sinking deeper into the musical darkness that was beckoning me. I found myself saying “shazaam’ when I checked out some sound clips from Mr. Gomer Pile himself Jim Nabors. As I listened, words can not express the anger I felt against the person who let him into a recording booth. The Stevie Wonder classic You Are The Sunshine Of My Life was put through the shredder known as Nabor’s vocal chords. He also does several takes on religious classics that would event the most devout of Catholics turn atheist.
Amazingly enough, several people rating Nabor’s CDs online coudln’t say enough how wonderful and uplifting his voice was. They must be the same 80 year old people that enjoy Andy Griffith’s bold work in the field of music. Griffith’s collection of classics would make Barney want to blow him away in the sheriff’s office. Country living sure is grand though isn’t it? Matter of fact Jack Palance did a wonderful country album in the late 60s.
Speaking of older folks making their musical mark before passing on, one should not miss Mae West taking on the party classic Twist And Shout. Or perhaps you’d like to listen to George Burns trying his luck at With A Little Help From My Friends. While some of you check on your adult diaper, might I suggest Telly Savalas and his rendition of Something.
Ah yes, the old folks sure made things soothing but I needed something pep me up. How about some a young child actor that tried to sing. For example, Alyssa Milano with her 1989 album. Not wanting Americans to hear it, Milano pretty much made it a Japanese tour. As if the Hiroshima bomb wasn’t bad enough, she unleashed an album that happened to feature a cover of the Ronettes Da Doo Run Run.
Don’t forget though, Milano was not the so called “boss” on Who’s The Boss. It was indeed Tony Danza who was another person guilty of poisoning my ears. Especially with his rendition of God Bless America which really made me feel unpatriotic. At least he is a stud to the ladies though. Which brings me to John Travolta who’s feminine voice was all over the place in the 1970s. Don’t forget everyone’s favorite German pop star, David Hasselhoff. One will never be able to wash away that great image of him singing Looking For Freedom as the Berlin Wall crumbled. It was more than likely due to his singing. Either that or the electricity from his light up jacket.
As I went on investigating, I picked up the phone and called the cops. I wanted to report these awful audio crimes against humanity. Wouldn’t you know it, on the other end were a singing Crockett and Tubbs from Miami Vice. I felt myself slipping away from this shock but luckily Crockett told me he was looking for a Heartbeat.
Well that just about wraps things up for my investigation. My final conclusion would be to close the doors to every major recording studio in the planet to actors to save ourselves. Even Mr. Spock might find this logical.