Sometimes it can be a real treat to find some obscure little gem of a movie. For offbeat movie aficionados like myself there is nothing in the world like it. It’s as if you have uncovered a treasure….like you have some juicy secret you can’t wait to tell someone, but you have to find someone to really appreciate it. C’mon, you all know what I’m talking about. For every hundred over hyped summer blockbuster extravaganza that promises the moon but delivers a hunk of stinky cheese (Godzilla anyone?), there is one overlooked gem on the video just screaming to be discovered.
Of course, the opposite can be true. The made-for-video industry thrives on this. Just go through the racks of any given video store and have a look-see. There, along with the recent star-studded hits, you find an infinite number of Speilberg and Tarantino knock-offs starring the likes of Cynthia Rothrock, Joe Estevez, and Don “The Dragon” Wilson. Look a little closer and you can see the rise and fall of such has-beens as Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme and any given Baldwin brother. On the back shelves you can the “adult” section featuring such talent as Shauna O’Brien, Julie K. Smith and Shannon Tweed.
But at the bottom of the discount bin you are bound to find something that doesn’t fit into any category. Simply calling it a bad movie is an insult to bad movies of every shape and form. There are porn films out there made with more love and care. It’s more like a home movie that some sick and twisted individual decided to unleash on unsuspecting consumers like myself. Big budget disasters such as Showgirls are a dime a dozen. You haven’t lived until you have seen Slaughter in the Ring. It’s almost an honor to have survived the viewing. But it seems I am the only one who has so far. I haven’t found another review of this movie anywhere.
How is it that I ended up with this film in my lap? Am I just that lucky? Or maybe I’m cursed? I found it in a music store that also sells VHS and DVD movies. It was in the bargain bin marked down to .99 cents. Let me tell you that I paid too much.
Let me tell you about a few of this movie’s quirks and peculiarities. For one, it lists a man named Lee Van Dorn as the star of movie, but there is no one named Lee Van Dorn in the movie. The video box is covered with pictures of people who don’t appear in the movie. There are also still photographs of scenes that don’t appear in the movie. There is no Lee Van Dorn listed on the IMDB. This film isn’t listed on the IMDB either. Doesn’t that just fill you with confidence?
Not that the world is missing much by not seeing this so-called “film”, but still. I’m hardly the only person who seeks out bottom-of-the-barrel crap like this to rip it to shreds. But am I the only person who has laid eyes on this thing? Am I the only pitiful soul who has suffered through the hell that is Slaughter in the Ring ? For the moment it seems the answer is yes. But I’m finding this hard to believe. I sold the movie some time ago (I don’t remember if I sold it to the local used video store or on Ebay. Either way it’s good riddance). And I’m sure it wasn’t the only copy in existence so somebody out there has slogged through this tripe. But this person hasn’t put his or her experience on the web. So for the moment I can gloat that I have a one-of-a-kind review. Heh Heh. I have something that no one else has! Every other yahoo (including myself) has the mandatory review of Battlefield Earth, but is no else brave enough to take on Slaughter in the Ring?
Okay fellow bad movie reviewers, there is a movie out there that I double dare you to find and watch. I can see it now…..dozens of Slaughter in the Ring reviews popping up all over the place. Who knows, maybe someone will find a copy that actually has Lee Van Dorn in it. And my fellow Rogues can discover what I put myself through in the name of entertaining the masses. Ah, maybe one day my dream of a world exposed to Slaughter in the Ring will come true, but until then I worry for the poor wretch who ended up with my copy.