Rogue Cinema

Posted by Duane on Wednesday, October 01 @ Mountain Daylight Time

This article is going to be directed at newer fans of underground horror, the guys just discovering Italian horror cinema and the exploitation scene. This is also an article with a lot of nostalgia, though not to be considered a circle jerk, for the guys who have been doing this whole Internet horror research for quite a while. I remember it like it was yesterday, a time in my life where I never thought I would be typing out the phrase "I remember it like it was yesterday...". Nah, I'm not that old, I'm still a younger horror fan pretty much, just gearing up for my mid-twenties but unfortunately far too old in my mind to be considered hip or cool by those around me. I've been that way since my tweens, so maybe you younger horror fans can relate to that. If not, then screw you... okay, I take that back. No need to get hostile, you can't help it that women-folk acknowledge your existence or you have that strange kinship with other human beings called "friendship". I myself am not burdened by such troubles, so I have a little more time to focus on hardcore horror films. Still, there might be a few of you reading this who can relate to my insanity. To rear this horse back on its track, it was roughly a decade ago that I thought I knew all there was to know about horror movies. I grew up on a raw diet of slashers and various eighties horror. Stop me if this sounds familiar, but I just figured there was a certain number of horror flicks that simply had to be seen to truly understand horror - and they were all generally slashers or mainstream cult flicks. At the time, my library consisted of 'series' films such as Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Hellraiser, Evil Dead, Halloween, Leprechaun, Night/Dawn/Day of the Dead, Critters, Ghoulies and had even been enjoying the recent Wishmaster series. I was the type to rent anything, and had fallen for other flicks like Milo, Pet Semetary, The Hidden, Warlock, Maximum Overdrive and many others. There's nothing wrong with any of these films and I would still consider them favorites to this day (varying favorites mind you) but at the time living in small town Louisiana and growing up with basic cable - I assumed this was as good and as graphic as it gets. Then, the internet happened. Don't you just love saying that? "The internet happened." It describes all of modern society pretty much. You know, things were going great... then the internet happened. Then my lust for plush dolls happened. Then I left my wife for a vixen across state lines. The internet, it happened. This article is written for those kids, way younger than I was, who are first discovering this massive collection of horror films from all across the world thanks to the internet. You're about to enter a world you never knew existed and you'll probably start pushing yourself to see things you never thought you had any interest in seeing. You'll see things you can't unsee and you'll want to see even more after that. This is the internet, and it just happened... all over your face!

At the risk of sounding like my grandfather (may he rest in peace) who had the get rich quick scheme of "learning these computers, 'cause those things are the future!" - but the internet and the personal computer have changed our way of living in such a fashion that it is no longer comparable to much of anything else on the planet. Knowledge from every facet of life, every possible technology or idea is all at each and every one of our fingertips inside that little box down by your feet - along with about a million other fun activities that we'll more than likely spend our time on rather than learning... oh, and pornography too, lots of free pornography. So, we have all of this knowledge and for film fans it can be viewed as nothing less than a blessing. Sure, some guys were doing just fine without it. Those lucky enough to have subscriptions to Fangoria and pick up copies of Deep Red maybe, but those of us stuck out in the woods - you're left with simply the knowledge of others. Yeah, and that's pretty friggin' limited. In my personal experience, my uncle who is probably fifteen or sixteen years older than I am played a key involvement in my learning more and more about extreme cinema. He had and still shares a lot of love for horror films like me, although his tastes tend to be a bit more mainstream. He however does enjoy some pretty extreme metal music. When I bought my first computer, it was around the time where he and I would sit around and laugh at a lot of the introductions for death metal songs which would often feature clips from underground horror films we had never heard of or had the opportunity to see. So, when I was doing those first searches on the net about all the horrors I loved and the names for some of these songs that the clips came from, I came up with films like Three on a Meathook, Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox and some Italian gentleman named Lucio Fulci. It was a complete and utter overhaul of the brain as it may be for you now - though it might not come as much of a shock as a lot of the guys compiling film collections even larger than mine are ages thirteen and up. However, no matter how much we collect - there's still that little hidden gym just waiting to pop up on the 'underground' market and blow our socks off. For those of you just discovering all these strange new films, I'll give you a piece of advice. Never say "I will NEVER see that!" or "I have no interest in seeing that", trust me, chances are you'll end up eating your words. For me, my first was Cannibal Holocaust. When I heard about the animal torturing and butchery within the film - I knew there was no way I would ever see such a barbaric film. Now I am a cannibal addict and have seen almost all of the Italian films made. Next was the Guinea Pig series (Google search that one kiddos, Flowers of Flesh and Blood in particular) which I was positive was just too grotesque for a guy like me. Yeah, went back on my word with that one too, and am now compiling an assortment of fake-snuff flicks from Japan just like them. Men Behind the Sun? Even being a lifelong cat owner and devoted to my 19 year old kitty, I still went back on my word and watched the film even with the scene featuring a cat being killed on camera. New horror geeks you will find that curiosity is far too powerful of a mistress to play with, believe that.

I can't really say what draws us further and further into the extreme, pushing our own limits to see just how brutal or disturbing the cinematic experience can get. I think it's human nature to simply want the bragging rights of being able to say you've seen it all and that nothing shocks you. However, making such a claim is far too childish because that's another lesson you learn as a gore hound and a horror geek - is that things can always get worse and that you can always be shocked by what you see. This article, op-ed or whether you want to call it, might have helped someone or provide some others with the comfort of knowing they aren't alone that this internet invention has brought about our own cinematic evolution forward tenfold. Now if only society, with the ability to communicate like never before and with scientific frontiers being reached on a daily basis, if only we could invent a deodorant that lasts all week. That's when I'll know we've made it to the future.

Posted by Duane on Monday, September 01 @ Mountain Daylight Time

What's happening everybody, it's Josh here again dropping more knowledge than a shipwrecked Professor on Gilligan's Isle. Without all the coconuts of course and unfortunately less cleavage. It' been a while since I got around to writing up another Oh Snap article. I put the whole project on hiatus, due mainly to the fact that when you have a good thing going you don't want to run it into the ground. So this month, I figured, what the heck surely this break will prevent me from running my comedic truck into the dirt. Expect any result though, because we may very well be smashing into the soil by the end of this. For those new to this column of sorts, it's really pretty simple. Oh Snap! Movie Moments... as in Moments within Movie pictures that make you exclaim: "Oh Snap!". To the delight and in utter emulation of the profound and wise Biz Markie who really hammered home the correct pronunciation of the term in his classic tune about infidelity "You Got What I Need". Certainly a track that could be the pinacle of human achievement in a timeline of human creations. This is complete fact based upon compiled data from scientists the world over, not just me rambling on. So, now that you know WHAT these moments are, now its time to figure out HOW you find these moments... well, watch movies of course, but what movies? I'll show you!

5 - Crippled Masters - The Entire Movie
Crippled Masters isn't a disturbing horrror, heck it's not even offensive really - but what bizarre? That's precisely what it is. Detailing the story of two men wronged by the local government who are rendered crippled for relatively nothing. One man has his legs covered in acid that makes them shrivel up until they're nothing (in actuality, the actor is simply a man with some kind of disease that has done this to his lower half) and the other had his arms chopped off (once again a man who is genuinely missing his limbs). The two set out on a path of revenge and seek to destroy injustice. Seriously, armless man and legless dude - and we're not talking clean nubs here either. The legless dude, I sincerely hope he had some kind of fake prostetic limbs hanging from his lower half to make the whole "acid poured on my legs just shriveled them up but didn't burn them off" look, because otherwise it's pretty darn disturbing. Then the armless man who looks as if he was just born deformed in the fact that he still has a couple of extended pieces of flesh that he can control in place of his shoulders... I really wish I was making all of this up. I realize today we have to be a more civilized culture and we have to be more accepting of such deformities - because if I was in either man's situation lord knows I wouldn't want some punk 20-something year old kid poking fun at me over the internet - but c'mon! How insane is this movie?

4 - Black Shampoo - Blaxes Chainsaw Massacre & Curling Iron Kebob
Black Shampoo, what can I say? It's a gem! An absolute gem. Flicks this fun and this crazy shouldn't be this unknown. You've got a buff ladies man who's also a hairdresser, and usually bangs his customers everytime he does their hair - this guy has it made! Except when the mafia try to move in and tell him his new assistant can't work for him - and this just ticks the big man off. Before long you've got a straight hairdresser versus the entire mob! Unfortunately when the mob comes to his salon, only his homosexual brethren are there and they aren't as tough as our studly star. So, when one of the mafioso are looking for the Stud, they ask our gay hairdressing friends a little too hard - and thus the scene concludes with a curling iron up the rectum. That's right, curling iron rape. Didn't see that one coming did you? The movie ain't over yet though! We still have our chainsaw finale with the stud going all bonkers on the mafia guys and hacking them up one by one. You have GOT to see this movie if you're a fan of A) Blaxploitation movies, B) Curling Iron Rape or C) Black dudes running around cutting up honkeys. Since I love all three, this was like heaven for me!

3 - Citizen Toxie - Retarded Kid Bloodbath
The good folks over at Troma have made my list more than once, and with their last Toxic Avenger film (and arguably the best, certainly the best since the first) The Toxic Avenger IV: Citizen Toxie - I was impressed all over again! Citizen Toxie breaks all boundaries of good taste, which is nothing new for Troma - but this one really pushes the limits and I loved every second of it. The very opening, and who could start off a film in better shape, begins with a group of diaper wearing maniacs taking over a school for the mentally handicapped - then proceeding to abuse, beat and ultimately kill nearly every single one of them! Poor kids... but hey, it's Troma, they deserved it of course! Heads are blown off, blood and gore are smeared across the room and at one point human feces makes a proud appearance. In a film full of abortion talk and body parts strewn across the screen - Citizen Toxie had to start off strong and they certainly did that!

2 - The New Barbarians - Initate me HOW!?
A new favorite of mine, although not exactly what I would call great cinema it is some entertaining stuff. Your average post-apocalyptic scenario, with the earth ravaged but everyone still having very scifi-esque technology such as battle suits that look like they're made of clear fish bowls and cars that have protracting helicopter type blades that decapitate anyone who kneels in front of them. Well in our film there are two factions: the crazy destruction cult known as The Templars, and then there's everyone else. The templars are not quite like the religious group they take their name from, since apparently they have a hatred for religion, books or anything from the old world. They do take after the old world's ways of fashion as they all wear their pretty matching white uniforms when they go out on patrol. So at some point you know we have to have a hero to come save us from all of this, and enter "Scorpion" who generally sticks it to the man at all times. However, our Oh Snap! moment comes to play when the man actually sticks it to him! Being captured by The Templars is bad enough, but what happens when they don't want to kill you - but recruit you? Trust me, it's worse than death. The templars attach a horse-shoe looking device around our hero's neck that is tied to a pulley-system that one templar pulls and causes our hero to bend over... then the lead templar, played by the always great George Eastman, steps up behind the bent over Scorpion - unzips and we cut away. Now, what... the... fudge. You've got me man, but seriously, doesn't get much more insane than that.

1 - Cannibal - YOU DON'T DO THAT TO A DUDE!
There's really one thing that seperates men from women... well, aside from the equipment of course. No, it's man's need to protect the equipment. We men all realize that this part of the body is a fragile, delicate and most excellent portion of our anatomy and in many ways the best thing about our often meaningless existance. So, genetically we are all given an alarm. It's an alarm that goes off when we even so much as see another man bearing down trauma on that most fragile bit of our lower abdomen. We see a skateboarder trip and do a split on a railing, we cross our legs. We see some dude getting kicked square in his package, we grope our own equipment to reassure it that everything is going to be A-OK. Then when we see things like what Cannibal offers us up today, well, it just hurts. For those of you unfamiliar, Cannibal retells the story of a real life German cannibal who found a willing volunteer over the internet. The man came back to our cannibal's apartment, they relaxed, they screwed and then they began their feast - and this is where our Oh Snap! Movie Moment comes into play. Well, where does one start when your victim is still living and you're cutting out a section to eat? Me, I'd start with the breast since it's the best part of a chicken but that's just me. No, our cannibal is a bird of a different sort. He goes for that most sacred of treasures... he goes for the wang-doodle. We are then treated to one of the most brutal and realistic castrations you will ever see in a motion picture. You may shed a tear, but you will most certainly be crossing those legs and groaning until the scene is over that's for sure. Well that does it for another one of these bad boys. I'm feeling better, I can't just let the series die now can I? Especially when there are so many other movie moments to chronicle. It's all in due time, one day these articles will be part of an online time capsule - preserved from server to server for thousands of years - to show the world just what the turn of the 21st century was all about and where cinema stood. Unfortunately, there will be no Biz Markie in the time capsule for them to make any sense of all of my rantings. Still, maybe these future people will be able to download these movies mentioned directly into their brain and give them a whirl... oh, and you in the present, maybe you can do the same. Although, you would look so much cooler if you tracked the flicks down while driving in a flying car. I'm just saying, you may want to get to work on that technology is all.