Movie Mashups 7: Revenge of the Deadly Harvest by Danny Runion

Articles & Profiles: Movie Mashups 7: Revenge of the Deadly Harvest by Danny Runion
Posted on Sunday, March 01, 2009 @ 00:05:00 Mountain Standard Time by Duane

Back from a delayed secret mission, I've been trying to fuse more movies again into gelatinous globs of greatness for those who are out of distance of critics with their superiority. You know who I mean. Those that sit in the chairs and rule over everyone for their opinions are the only ones that matter. If you don't fall down and accept how the only movies that matter are those brilliant artistic independent films, you obviously must be wrong and not enough intelligence to accept how truly magnificent they are. Well, with ideas like that, the world has yet to embrace the brilliance of my ideas. With such horror and madness throughout the world, there has to be something that can make the world a better place, a beautiful place. A beach volleyball movie with Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Scarlet Johansson has to be a good beginning.

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Hellboyz in the Hood

Ron Perlman once again dons the shaved horns as Hellboy. However, this is an alternate reality version not based on the original movie. The federal government due to budget cuts has to close the Bureau of Paranormal Defense. Abe Sapien is moved to Sea World and forced to wear a fake dolphin suit and impersonate Flipper. However, Hellboy is shipped to the West Coast. More precisely, he is sent to live in Compton. After displaying his "Red Right Hand," Hellboy is tempted by the local gang to be inducted. As he ponders what to do with his life, he is still drawn into saving humanity from paranormal monsters besides the horror of Brittany Spears. Should Hellboy join a gang or continue to battle the forces of evil that encompass South Central LA?

I Will Always Know Who To Bring It On To

This movie combines the electrifying terror of I Know What You Did Last Summer, the cheer leading antics of Bring It On, the number of vapidly insipid and brain-draining cheerleaders just keeps increasing from all the MTV shows, and ending a title in a preposition that is bound to anger all the 8th Grade English teachers in the world. A hook handed fisherman chases after a flock, gaggle, or whatever a group of cheerleaders is called. Randomly, the cheerleaders will stop and perform their hip-hop dance routines. Will they be able to evade the killer fisherman and reach the state championships to defeat their cross-town arch-rivals? Just wait for the tagline. I know you're perky...

Jaws X: In Space

The government is sick of having to contend with an angry giant great white shark attacking people and swimming from the Eastern seaboard all the way to the Caribbean in 5 1/2 minutes. The only plan that is possible is to lure Jaws with a bikini clad federal agent (Jessica Alba, could I ever do one of these articles without mentioning her?) and then cryogenically freeze him and accidentally her, too. Unfortunately, the cold temperature is more pronounced on Jessica Alba which causes all men to just stare at her rather than actually blowing the giant frozen guppy which would offend animal rights activists. They decide on putting the frozen Jaws instead of a place like a desert but place him in a swimming pool. Several hundred years later, after the Earth has been ecologically ruined into the wasteland filled with gangs roaming the post apocalyptic ruins. The reanimated Jessica Alba who is still in her bikini must battle the reawakened Jaws that has been surgically augmented with nanites.

Leprechaun: Back 2 to the Future

This is the future summer movie blockbuster. This is the movie crossover that has audiences clamoring. The Leprechaun versus Marty McFly. The Leprechaun has traveled to the past using Doc Brown's DeLorean, altering the past so everyone now carries around flashlights and do bad impressions of Mike Meyer's Wayne's impression of the Leprechaun: ("I'm the Leprechaun!!!") to terrify the Garth-like portion of the population. Marty McFly does have a weapon to battle the insidious imp: a musical repertoire of mid 1980s pop songs.