I Know What I Did This Summer - By Brian Morton

Articles & Profiles: I Know What I Did This Summer - By Brian Morton
Posted on Friday, May 01, 2009 @ 14:54:09 Mountain Daylight Time by Duane

Unlike most people, who plan their summers around the beach, and picnics and generally enjoying all the great things that summer offers, I plan my summer around being in a darkened room filled with explosions, killings and general mayhem...that's right, I like to plan my summer around all the movies that I'll be checking out as the summer rolls along. So, I thought I'd just take a minute to let everyone out there know what’s on my calendar this summer, so when you’re down at your local theatre and you see the slightly pale, bleary eyed guy wandering through the theatre, you'll know it's me and can point me in the direction of the right theatre! Here are my summer picks, in not particular order.

First up has to be 'XMEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE', the movie that will tell us how Logan became the adamantium clawed berserker that we all know and love. I think anyone who holds his geek card in as high esteem as I do will be there on opening day, and this has the potential to be the biggest movie of the summer. Of course, having not seen it yet, there's always the possibility that director Gavin Hood might turn up a real stinker, but it'll have to be really, really bad to keep the geeks from repeated viewings that could keep our favorite X Man in theaters for the entire summer!

Of course, being one of the worlds biggest Star Trek dorks too, I'll also be first in line for 'STAR TREK', J.J. Abrams huge relaunch of the world’s most beloved sci-fi franchise. Will fans accept this new cast as the iconic crew of the starship Enterprise? Or will this be as huge a stinker as Cloverfield? I guess we'll all just have to get our tickets and see for ourselves, but, rest assured, that if Abrams and company took the time to do this right, it may well end up being a summer of phasers versus adamantium claws.

'TERMINATOR: SALVATION' also has the potential to take a franchise that's felt a bit stale of late and relaunch it back into the top spot at the box office. After this spring's audio meltdown from Christian Bale, I'm sure that there'll be more than the usual sci-fi geeks dropping into the local Cineplex to see how much of that anger and intensity winds up on screen. There's always the chance that McG could hand us another Alien 3, but let's hope that our favorite killing machine still has the teeth and the tenacity that he showed us in that first Terminator all those years ago. And if Arnold gives us a cameo, all the cooler!

Fans of Sid and Marty Kroft will no doubt be lining up to see what Will Ferrell does with 'LAND OF THE LOST' this summer. The cheesy TV series gets the big budget treatment, and, from the looks of the trailer, its tongue is firmly in its cheek. This tale of a family lost in time featured some of the worst effects in TV history, but even those of us who didn’t really watch the show remember Cha-Ka and the Sleestacks, and those of you who were stoners when Sid and Marty were churning out series will be sure to be there with your bong firmly in hand!

Sam Raimi returns to his horror roots this summer with 'DRAG ME TO HELL', the tale of a woman who's under a curse that will have her dragged to hell in three days. Is the old Raimi horror magic still there? If it is, Sam could have another cult franchise on his hands, and, who knows, if this movie is a hit, it might convince him to return to the Evil Dead again…so I’ll definitely be seeing this about a dozen times on opening weekend!

‘THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123’ is a movie that I’m not sure needs to be remade, the original, from 1974, is still a pretty good movie that I’m not sure needs to be updated, but I was wrong about The Last House On The Left, so I was willing to give it a try. Then, I saw John Travolta attached as the ‘bad guy’, I have to admit that I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not, ‘Oh no, John Travolta!’ bad, I mean, ‘Oh no, Battlefield Earth!’ bad! And then you put Denzel Washington in the mix as the good guy and you have two of the most overrated actors of our time remaking a midlevel movie from the 70s, this could be a terrible movie of monumental proportions.

The next movie I’m including here, just to keep the guys I work with from stringing me up, it’s ‘TRANSFORMERS 2: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN’. I have to admit to having never seen the first Transformers, there’s something about giant robots changing into cars and planes that makes me feel like this is for 8 year olds, and while I’ll freely admit to being immature, I’m not quite that immature. But, before everyone out there grabs their torches and pitchforks and heads to my house, I’m sure this sequel will be just a big and ‘transformy’ as the first…and with Shia LeBeouf back, this is sure to be…..well, a movie!

I’ll be giving away my age here, but G.I. Joe is still a 12 inch action figure in my mind! So this movie doesn’t do much for me either. But, with the huge success of Transformers, I’m sure that the same nostalgic kids (now adults) will happily plunk down their duckets to see their tiny plastic heroes brought to full scale life when ‘G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA’ hits theatres this summer. Personally, if someone in the movie doesn’t have ‘kung fu grip’, I’m asking for my money back!

Quentin Tarantino returns to theatres with a World War 2 movie this summer. ‘INGLORIOUS BASTERDS’ is the story of a group of Jewish-American soldiers who are assigned to spread terror throughout the Third Reich by killing and scalping Nazi soldiers. If this is true to Tarantino form, it could be the coolest exploitation movie ever! And, with Samuel Jackson leading the cast, it could be just a great movie…period. Let’s just hope that Tarantino keeps the extends period conversations to a minimum.

Back over to the horror beat, ‘ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE’ might actually be released this summer. This story of a virginal young girl who falls in with a bad crowd…only to have them begin turning up dead has been shelved for nearly a year and has been getting critical raves, although the fact that it’s been held back so long could be a bad sign. In any case, I’m sure to be front and center to see if, in fact, this boy will love Mandy Lane.

Death gets another bite at the apple, and this time it’s in 3D, that’s right it’s ‘FINAL DESTINATION: DEATH TRIP 3D’, just when you thought you were safe, death is back and it’ll feel like he’s in the theatre with you! This time the trip is on a cruise and, as usual, accidents are prevented that shouldn’t be and death begins his inevitable stalking of the damned. Hopefully, this sequel won’t make us wish that Death is really in the theatre with us!

And, finally, to wrap up a great summer and begin an even better autumn, Rob Zombie returns, where he said he’d never go again, with ‘H2: HALLOWEEN 2’. I enjoyed the first remake, and I’m looking forward to this one, I know that the original remake wasn’t all that popular with most fans, but I enjoyed it and I’m looking forward to seeing where Zombie takes the franchise next. Will this pick up where the first left off, like the original sequel? One thing is sure, each of Zombie’s movies is better than the last, so this will be a sure-fire hit and probably a great horror movie.

So there you have it, just a glimpse into the future of the Ol’ Bad Movie Guy, sitting in the dark in my local multiplex, checking out movie after movie, then probably heading home for some DVDs, and by the time the summer’s over, my wife will probably have either left me, or will have put a hit out for me…but, hey, if the hit man gets me in the theatre, at least I’ll die happy!