A Date With Your Family - By Nichele Johnston

Articles & Profiles: A Date With Your Family - By Nichele Johnston
Posted on Wednesday, June 01, 2005 @ 00:00:00 Mountain Daylight Time by Duane

Remember when the average American actually gathered 'round the dinner table at dinner time and talked with each other? You don't? Me neither. I myself have spent the last 20 years or so balancing my dinner plate on the arm of the couch while trying to watch American Justice. But hey, that's just me. But in case you're just dying know what a dinner table actually looks like lets go back to another dippy short film from the 1950's and learn all about this quaint little ritual and the proper etiquette that goes with it.

This film (featuring no dialogue by the uncredited actors and lifelessly narrated by none other than Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont) features a pair of teenagers, brother and sister, arriving from home school, excited about the fabulous feast that awaits them. Sister helps with the meal while Brother finishes homework. Um, doesn't Sister have any homework? Well, why should she worry about silly stuff like getting an education when she'll get married right out of high school and be housewife? Right? RIGHT? Anyways, there's a great line from the narrator stating how "the women" feel they owe it to "the men" to look refreshed and attractive at dinnertime. And what do "the men" owe "the women". Um, I guess their manly presence is good enough for the gals because "the men" don't do jack as far as preparing the meal is concerned.

Uh-oh. Dad will be home soon. Mom and Sister continue to slave away in the kitchen. Dad arrives home. Oh joy! The patriarch has arrived! All is right with the world again! Brother and Junior (the suspiciously younger sibling. Something tells me that Mom forgot to get her birth-control refilled) go to greet their square-jawed father. And now from the narrator comes the greatest proclamation of them all: "These boys greet their Dad as though they were genuinely glad to see him, as though they really missed him." Is it just me or does that make it sound like the boys are lying about being happy to see Dad, as if they are trying to get out of some kind of punishment by sucking up to their old man. Remember folks, when Dad comes home make sure you're happiness to see him is genuine or else you get no dessert.

Time to chow down. Plates piled with pork chops and mashed potatoes are passed around. The family says grace before the meal just like any good Christian nuclear white-bread middle class American family would. Now things start to get a little hinky. First and foremost, nobody and I mean NOBODY starts eating until Mom starts. With the all bluster behind this comment I half expected to see one of the kids pull back a bloody stump. What if Dad starts eating before Mom? Does she spear his jugular with a salad fork?

Anyways, now it's time for the all important rules. Rule #1: Don't yak on and on endlessly. All right, nothing too severe here. Talking over everyone else is a tad bit rude. But then we get a shot of Sister babbling on a mile a minute while everyone rolls their eyes. Dad shakes his head while visions of shipping his daughter off to a convent dance around his brain. I suppose telling her to just shut up would be too much of a hassle.

Rule #2: Don't discuss gruesome sights or sounds. Here Brother and Junior are describing a fight while Mom looks mortified. Judging by her reaction you'd think her boys just confessed to the Lindbergh kidnapping. While I agree that this kind of subject could wait until after dinner, the boys wildly animated drama at the dinner table just adds to the flakiness of the whole scene.

Rules #3 and #4--they kind of blend together. Don't make unkind comparisons to your standard of living and don't make crass remarks about your sibling's friends. Just to be safe don't say a damn thing and just eat your potatoes in a cold stony silence.

Ah, everything is on an even keel again. Isn't that better? Time for cake! Of course, Sister serves dessert. She's a woman. Isn't that her job? Anyways, the family gobbles down cake while Dad boozes it up. The End.

Just remember these few rules and dinner will be an event every night: Pretend you're happy. Have the women cook and serve everything whether they can make toast without burning it or not. Don't talk about your feelings, wants, needs, ideas, observations, or ideas. And for crying out loud, make sure you are presentable to your men. Oh, and Mom eats first or else she will disown you. Any more questions?