Rogue Cinema - Leeches (2003) - By Timothy Martinez

Leeches (2003) - By Timothy Martinez
Posted on Friday, July 01 @ Mountain Daylight Time by Duane

In the history of “B” and cult monster films, there have been some truly inspired as well as some downright godawful methods contrived for the creation of the titular beasts. The 1950’s were renown for the radiation spawned mutant bugs and other giant critters, and later decades saw all manner of oversized monsters created from science gone mad or a strange confluence of random events. Even some of the worst origins were still somewhat plausible in the suspended belief realm of monster flicks, but the manner in which the title creatures in Leeches attain their unnaturally large status has got to be one of the most unintentionally comical ways I have seen yet.

The movie centers around a college swimming team made up of the usual array of young and healthy males. We get the basic stereotypes here: the hotheaded guy, the slightly nerdy guy, the all star athlete, etc. Throw in a bunch of cardboard cutout girlfriends and you have a cast that is instantly and irrevocably forgettable. To this day, I could not tell you any of their names if my life depended on it. Anyway, it seems that in order to boost their performance, many of the team members are taking steroids, supplied by the “hot headed” guy. With that circulating in their blood, a large group of young people decided to make a day of it at a local swimming spot, which just happens to be a small creek loaded with leeches. It is not long until leeches have attached themselves to various members of the team, many of whom are unaware of the little unwanted hitchhikers until they get back to campus and head for the showers, where the pesky critters are removed and pushed down a drain. Before you can say “this sucks” those normal-sized leeches are super-sized into bloodsuckers the size of small cats…and all because they gorged on the swimmers’ steroid ridden blood! Oh brother.

What follows is one of the worst monster films I have ever seen, for two very basic reasons. Reason number one: the monsters are leeches! It is hard to conjure tension when the bad guys are oversized worms who inch along on the ground. Where is the freaking danger? Almost any fool can outrun a leech! Yet, one after another, members of the cast are picked off by the suckers in the most pathetic monster attacks put to film since Bela Lugosi met his end in the embrace of an octopus in Bride of the Monster. The way in which two or three leeches hop on a person and drain them of blood is laughable. I don’t know a single person who is not confined to a wheel chair that could not effectively defend themselves and get away from these things. It is just sad.

The second reason the movie bites, albeit a little more on the personal side, is the over abundance of Homoerotic imagery. The audience is subjected to long, slow shots of the various swim team members as they strip down to their speedos, as they shower before and after a meet, and as they emerge from the pool, water dripping from their bodies. In a word: yuck. I think it is safe to say that the vast majority of horror film fans are heterosexual males, and all this beefcake is just a turn off unless you happen to butter your bread on that side. The ladies of course, will may find this more to their liking. I can’t really say. I just found it completely annoying.

Aside from the leeches, there is a small storyline concerning a murder and the mystery of the who the perpetrator may be, plus for those who can stomach the entire affair there is a “twist” at the end, but I’m sure most people who get that far won’t really give a rat’s posterior. Save yourself some pain and avoid this one.

Final grade: 1.5 out 5