Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood (2003) – By Cary Conley

Okay, I get it. This is supposed to be intentionally bad as an homage to Ed Wood, the King of Bad Movies. But what these filmmakers don’t understand is that the reason Ed Wood’s films are so endearingly bad is because he genuinely tried to make a decent film. He just couldn’t. Ed Wood agonized over the script and each scene and every line of dialogue as if he was making the next Oscar-winning film. The problem with this film is that the filmmakers weren’t serious at all (evidenced by the end credits sequence and the impromptu puppet show). So the end product here is just an inept attempt at filmmaking all the way around.

The plot is threadbare: Carmilla, the lesbian vampire has kidnapped a young woman, Lilith, to keep as her vampire mistress, but the last remaining vampire hunter is hot on Carmilla’s heels. Together with Lilith’s girlfriend, the two must track down Carmilla and save Lilith before she is turned into a member of the living dead. Basically, the movie unfolds as a series of unfortunately bad and totally disconnected and meaningless scenes of dialogue sandwiched (woops! bad pun) inbetween some of the most coma-inducing lesbian scenes ever committed to celluloid. I’ve never actually fallen asleep during a sex scene on film and I didn’t this time, either, primarily because I kept stabbing myself in the thigh with an ice pick.

The girls are all goth chicks, so while a couple of them are vaguely attractive, most range from plain to plain ugly, making many of the nude scenes the most horrific scenes in the film. Underneath their hideous goth garb they wear skimpy lingerie that fat chicks just shouldn’t wear. One of them has several belly rolls under her droopy and saggy breasts, and unfortunately the rolls are as big as her breasts! There’s another scene that has an overweight lass showering with a malnourished waif who looks like she just arrived from a concentration camp. Her emaciated frame is further magnified by the big-boned girl’s gelatinous body, the two of them together making for a disgusting rather than an erotic scene.

If this isn’t enough, the film is interrupted a couple of times by a hideous aside that has an old man wearing a cape and a fat dame in spandex running around a cemetery (in daytime, even) acting like fools as they try to conjure up Ed Wood’s spirit. If I were buried in that cemetery, my ghost would come back and haunt all of their asses for humiliating my place of rest with their crappy movie.

The plot is stupid, the characters irritating (especially the character of Carmilla who insists on referring to herself in the first person), the set design is cheap, the effects are amateurish and the acting is nonexistent. About the only thing going for this movie is some pretty cool cover art (with pretty girls that aren’t even in the movie) and the words "lesbian" and "vampire" in the title. That will bring in a few suckers.

The film is released by Chemical Burn Entertainment who is charging the ridiculous amount of $19.95 for this DVD, a sum that is perhaps double the amount of the film’s entire budget. The only thing Chemical Burn’s Lesbian Vampires gives me is heartburn.