Beaches, Buns and Bikinis (2010) – By Duane L. Martin

Crab Shack Sammie (Ron Jeremy) only had one dream in life, and that was to run his own little hot dog stand on the beach where he could serve people quality hot dogs. To that end, after losing his job, he pieced together this crappy little shack on the beach, got himself a boiler and went to work. Business sucked, until one day a mysterious salesman came along and sold Sammie a magical hot dog suit that would bring people to the beach, customers to his stand, and promote harmony among the beach goers. Things went great after that. That is, until one day Sammie’s employee who was supposed to be walking around in the suit, stopped to take a leak and the suit got up, ran away and went on a crime spree. After that, the beach went into a state disharmony and chaos and business fell through the floor. Now it’s up to a guy whose girlfriend left him for some douche after the hot dog suit ran away to get the suit back so he can restore harmony to the beach and get his girl back before it’s too late.

I watched this film a few weeks ago, but I waited until the end of the month to write this review, which is probably a good thing. If I had written it right after I saw the film, this review would have likely become little more than a three page, hate filled diatribe, and that’s not really how I like to do things.

Now don’t get me wrong. I really like Ron Jeremy. I think he’s a cool guy with a great sense of humor and it’s usually a whole lot of fun seeing him in a film, but man…he must have been doing someone a favor when he signed up for this one. Either that, or he was being blackmailed. Why? Because this is one of the most amateurishly made, most poorly written and most poorly acted films I’ve come across in a long, long time. Ron Jeremy is about the only good thing in this film, and basically he’s relegated to standing around on the beach in front of his shack talking about the state of the beach, the hot dog suit or about how the loss of the suit was so detrimental to the state of the beach.

Another problem with this film is that most of the dialogue sounds either completely improvised or just loosely scripted. This is fine if you have a professional cast, but literally the entire cast of this film aside from Ron are divided into two categories. People who have only ever appeared in this film, and people who’ve only ever appeared in this film and one other film. Needless to say, that didn’t work out real well. The acting was horrific, the dialogue was inane at best and the story, while it maybe could have been salvaged by several re-writes, simply doesn’t work and just doesn’t feel all that coherent. Combine that with amateur actors, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Then there’s the beach…if you can call it that. I’m not really sure where this film was shot, but it sure as hell wasn’t on a beach. Beaches have sand, nice waves and a beautiful view. This film looks like it was shot on the edge of a lake that bordered on a run down, crappy industrial area. The "beach" was full of rocks and gravel, and generally it looked more like the kind of place where murders are committed than a place where people go to relax and have fun.

The production quality of the film was completely amateurish, from the camera shots to the editing to the sound recording. It was mostly well lit on the few indoor scenes, but other than that, from a production standpoint, it was lacking greatly.

I’m not going to go on and on about it. Suffice it to say that my recommendation is to avoid this one. The fact that Ron Jeremy is in it isn’t enough to save this film. In fact, if anything, it makes the wasted potential even clearer. I know this review won’t be taken well by the people involved in this film, and I’m genuinely sorry for that, but I have to be honest about how I felt about it, and if anything, what I’ve provided here is a subdued version of what I felt right after I finished watching it.

If you’d like to find out more about this film, you can check out the film’s website at http://www.beachesbunsbikinis.com.