Beasties (1991) – By Duane L. Martin

A short time ago, Steve Contreras, the writer / director of Beasties, wrote to me. He gave me a little info on the film and told me that after being out of print for a long time that it was being re-released on DVD and sold through E-Bay. He also told me that the first twenty minutes that had been cut from the original release were restored on the DVD. So I was like, "Cool! Send it on over!" while to myself I was thinking, "What the hell is that? Never heard of it."

So I get the DVD and pop it in. The cover of the DVD case looked cool. It’s got a chick with big knockers and a slimy freakish monster. So far so good. But wait! What’s this??? There’s a red stamp on the cover as well that says, "Worst move ever made?" Well I knew right up front that couldn’t possibly be the case. My eyes have bled while watching some of the worst movies ever made, so this one would have to be pretty damn crappy to measure up to some of the massive wastes of celluloid I’ve seen over the years. But did it measure up to the crappiest of the crap? Oh hell no! This movie isn’t even in the worst 1,000 movies of all time. If it is, then someone with no taste just had it in for this film.

My measure of whether a film is good or not is if it entertains me. It could be absolutely horrible on every technical level, but if it entertains me, then we’re golden. Without a doubt I have to say that this film most definitely entertained me.

The first thing I noticed right off the bat was… well, let me preface this by saying that I’m a huge "Kids in the Hall" fan. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a Canadian comedy sketch show created by Lorne Michaels who also created the unbelievably inferior Saturday Night Live. Well one of the guys in Kids in the Hall is named Bruce McCulloch, and the main character in this film is the spitting image of him when he’s got his glasses on. Even without them he’s pretty close. So that was an endless source of amusement for me right off the bat.

Then there was the acting. This movie had some of the cheesiest I’ve ever seen, and it simply just reeked of awesomeness. The characters were really stupid and really great at the same time and it made it just an absolute pleasure to watch. There’s a punk rocker gang, an incarnation of ultimate evil, two complete and utter geeks, hot chicks, and Nelson’s best friend that everyone calls Chubbs who has a penchant for urinating on vehicles.

And don’t forget the beasties themselves. They’re all really puppet looking, but in an awesome way. Then there’s their leader, who is just completely sweet looking. Sure some of the effects are cheap looking, but who cares? They’re fun!

Now, there are a few problems with this DVD release that you need to know about. First, there are chunks of the film missing. You’ll see a flash of something and then suddenly it’ll jump to something else after that and you’ll be like, "Huh? How’d that happen?" It doesn’t really matter all that much, but I would have liked to have seen the missing chunks. Also, this DVD was transfered from an old VHS copy of the film…and it looks like it. Still, just to have this little piece of cinematic treasure on DVD is worth it, no matter what the quality.

The story is pretty simple. Bio-genetic monsters from the future running around eating people, and the nerdy hero Nelson has to find a way to stop them. Nothing special about the story really, but if you can’t watch this movie without getting a good laugh out of it, then there’s something seriously wrong with you.

Despite the problems with the video quality and the missing chunks here and there, this was one damn entertaining film. Anyone who loves cheesy movies is really going to enjoy this one, and if you want to find out more about it head on over to the film’s website at, and then after that shoot on over to E-Bay and grab yourself a copy.