Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (2010) – By Duane L. Martin

In this third installment of the Bikini Bloodbath series, it’s Christmas, and Jenny (Rachel Robins) and her friend Sharon (Niki Rubin) are working at a local bong shop called the Snot Locker, which belongs to their old coach Ms. Johnson (Debbie Rochon), who’s now laying in the hospital in a coma after having her guts ripped out by the killer chef in the last film. The Snot Locker is now being run by Ms. Johnson’s cross dressing brother/sister, Mrs. Johnson (Dick Boland), who talks sort of like a dirty/posh/drunken version of Dame Edna. Along with their other friends, Sapphire (Sarah Dauber) and Dungaree (Monique Dupree), they hit the Christmas season head on as they find themselves in a competition for holiday business with the deli across the street, which is run by a perverted pastor named Gina Davis (Phil Hall), and his bevy of trashy waitresses, led by French accented William Defoe (Margaret Rose Champagne). Who will win out? Will anyone win out once the killer chef is brought back from the grave and starts to kill them all one by one? You’ll have to watch it to find out.

This being the third film in the series, and having already reviewed the previous films, I knew what to expect with this one. It’s basically more of the same with a different theme. Debbie Rochon is barely in this one. She’s in like two short scenes and she really only has any kind of a speaking part in one of them. The chef is back (kinda), but is thankfully limited in his appearances. I never really dug the chef as a killer. I’m not sure why that is, but I just never warmed up to the character. Lloyd Kaufman makes an appearance in one of his famous bit parts as Debbie Rochon’s doctor. Unfortunately, while his performance was typically "Lloyd", it had a lead in of him walking through the hospital halls that went on just way too long. In fact, that’s my one big problem with this film. There were a lot of scenes that went on just way too long.

Here are some examples…

The opening credits weren’t fully over until 5:24 into the film.

Sapphire sitting at the table with Mrs. Johnson at the Christmas party. Sapphire is twirling her hair and staring off into space with an awesomely blank expression (seriously, it was awesome). Neither is saying anything. It’s like one of those slow burn scenes. Unfortunately, it just went on for way too long, even to the point of becoming boring. At one point, I got tired of waiting and bumped my player up to 2x speed, and even then it took too long before anything happened. It was a funny scene, but the timing has to be right, otherwise a slow burn quickly becomes an even slower bore.

There was another section that was basically a montage of shots from the previous films that served no purpose other than to show the girls topless. While these girls are all beautiful and seeing them topless is great, seeing a montage of it that just seems to go on forever and has nothing really to do with the film just gets boring. It’s like, "Ok, we’ve seen their tits, they’re beautiful girls…now what?"

Again I have to mention the scene with Lloyd walking to Ms. Johnson’s room. It was cute for about the first three or four cuts, but then it went on and on and on. Again, it went on far too long and went from cute to boring.

Now, I don’t want to imply that the whole film was like this, because it isn’t. There are several other pointless scenes in the film that are more filler than anything else (like the Santas wrestling), but the film doesn’t entirely consist of that. It also has some really great, fun aspects to it that it needs to be given great credit for.

First, I’ve always been a big fan of running jokes, and this film continues on the fat comments about Sharon. See, the Sharon character is constantly being ripped on about being fat. So what’s the joke? Well, the joke is that she’s probably the second thinnest girl in the cast. She looks amazing, so everyone always ripping on her for being fat and giving her a complex about it is pretty funny. It does get a little old, but fortunately, it never stops being kinda funny.

There were also at least two cool references to other movies. First was the running joke with the guy and the cyclops from the movie Krull working as salesmen trying to sell people a glaive and them showing up in odd places at odd times. The other was a quickie reference to Highlander when the deli Santa looks over at the bong shop Santa and says, "Ramirez" in that Kurgan voice. There may have been others that I missed, but those were the two that stood out for me.

All of the main actors and actresses in the film were fun, but there are three that really kind of deserve special mention. Dick Boland’s Mrs. Johnson character was just awesome. The way I described it in the top paragraph is about the best description I could give. The very first time you see the character, it can seem a little annoying or lame, but as the movie goes on and you really get into it, the character becomes hella fun. Dick did a great job with it and really gets my vote for best character in the film. Sarah Dauber’s Sapphire character is another one that deserves mention. She’s hilariously vacant in this film, and in my opinion, under-utilized. She coud have been given so much more, and it would have just been awesome. What she did have though, she worked with beautifully and she was just a delight to watch, especially in that slow burn scene at the Christmas party. Her vacant expression and hair twirling really saved that scene, at least to a point. Lastly, Niki Rubin’s Sharon character, you really have to feel sorry for. They’re always telling her she’s fat, and she plays it all sad and like she has a complex when they do it, but then switches to a dumb co-ed type of character when the fat jokes aren’t in play. You really feel sorry for her at times because despite the goof of it all, she gives off this vibe of sadness as well that really made it a great character. There were some other fun characters as well, but these three were the real stand-outs for me.

This is supposed to be a slasher film, but there’s really nothing like that until the Christmas party at the end of the film. The rest of the film mostly has to do with the rivalry between the bong shop and the Christian deli across from them. When the killings do start though, they sort of range from nice looking to simply silly. At no time though to they really feel like a centerpiece of the film. In fact, the whole slasher chef thing in this film almost feels like an afterthought that was thrown in at the end. In the previous two films, it was more of a focal point. This isn’t all that bad really, because personally I have a lot more fun watching the girls interact with the Gina Davis, Mrs. Johnson and each other. Those are the best parts of the film in my opinion.

While suffering from terminally slow pacing at various points in the film and a story that veers off into incoherence at times, even that wasn’t enough to kill the fun of this movie. The characters are what saved it, and the cast deserves one hell of a lot of credit for taking their characters and really having fun with them.

In addition to the film (obviously) the DVD contains a blooper reel and the trailer for the film. As far as a recommendation, I can recommend it I guess because it actually is a fun film, but it does have its problems, much like the other films in the series. I’ve bitched about the problems before, and I’ll keep bitching about them, but in the end, you have to look at one simple fact. Did you enjoy the film, or did it feel like a massive waste of time?  I can genuinely say, I enjoyed it. Well…most of it anyway.

If you’d like to find out more about this film or the other films in the series, you can check out the Bloodbath Pictures website here. The film is available for purchase on Amazon as well if you’d like to pick yourself up a copy. Also, I should mention that it’s in no way necessary to see the other films in the series before you see this one. Each film is generally a standalone film with many of the same characters showing up in each, even after being killed in the previous one. So take your pick.