The Exorcist has been terrifying audiences for decades. Few, if any films can measure up to it. Director William Friedkin certainly made a classic, there’s no doubt about it. But then I started to wonder would it have been the same film with a different director? What would we have ended up with if the movie had been directed by:
Peter Jackson – Regan spinning her head around while muttering “My preciooouuussssss”.
Martin Scorcese – Father Karras and Father Merrin dig that hole before they take care of that problem upstate.
Alfred Hitchcock – Regan stabs in herself in the crotch with a stuffed bird.
Oliver Stone – The entire cast swaps stories about their tours in ‘Nam
Steven Spielberg – Regan helps the demon phone home.
Kevin Costner – Father Karras would drive the demon out of Regan by boring it to death.
Jane Campion – Regan and Father Karras get married, buy a piano and move to New Zealand.
Roman Polanski – Regan and Father Karras have sex in a hot-tub.
Quentin Tarantino – Father Karras and Father Merrin bring a bible, holy water, and samurai swords to the exorcism. You got a problem with that, bitch?
David Lynch – Everyone begins to act really really weird.
Mike Nichols – Father Karras pounds on a window while screaming “RRREEEGGGAAANNN!!!!”
John Carpenter – Regan puts on a goofy mask before tossing Burke Dennings out the window.
Woody Allen – Everyone becomes incredibly neurotic.
Peter Weir – Chris McNeil takes Regan for a vacation in Amish country, and then starts secretly broadcasting the exorcism.
Adrian Lyne – The demon is exorcized and then boiled in a big pot.
Neil Jordan – Regan is really a man!!
Jonathan Demme – Father Karras and Father Merrin order it to put the lotion in the basket.
Sam Raimi – Father Merrin tells the demon “Good, bad, I’m the guy with the crucifix”.
The Wachowski Brothers – A nice bullet-time shot of pea soup.
Sam Mendes – Regan spews out rose petals.
Merchant and Ivory – The demon invites everyone to tea.
Ridley Scott – The demon bursts out of Regan’s chest and declares “I’m here to unleash hell!!”
Stanley Kubrick – Regan nicknames the demon “Lolita”.
Spike Lee – Yo, why aren’t there any pictures of demons on the wall?
Joel Coen – Father Merrin and Father Karras toss the demon into a woodchipper.
James Cameron – Father Karras goes back to the past to save Regan before they hit the iceberg.
M. Night Shayamalan – Everyone is dead but they don’t know it.
Hmmm…The Exorcist with icebergs, woodchippers, pianos, and Kevin Costner? I think not! No, I’ll just take the take the movie in all it’s the green vomit spewing, stabbing the crotch with a crucifix, subliminal demon-faced glory. Now, that I’ve spent the last few hours writing about it now I have to go watch it have nightmares tonight. See ya!