Exorcise This!!! – By Nichele Johnston

The Exorcist has been terrifying audiences for decades. Few, if any films can measure up to it. Director William Friedkin certainly made a classic, there’s no doubt about it. But then I started to wonder would it have been the same film with a different director? What would we have ended up with if the movie had been directed by:

Peter Jackson
– Regan spinning her head around while muttering “My preciooouuussssss”.

Martin Scorcese – Father Karras and Father Merrin dig that hole before they take care of that problem upstate.

Alfred Hitchcock – Regan stabs in herself in the crotch with a stuffed bird.

Oliver Stone – The entire cast swaps stories about their tours in ‘Nam

Steven Spielberg – Regan helps the demon phone home.

Kevin Costner – Father Karras would drive the demon out of Regan by boring it to death.

Jane Campion – Regan and Father Karras get married, buy a piano and move to New Zealand.

Roman Polanski – Regan and Father Karras have sex in a hot-tub.

Quentin Tarantino – Father Karras and Father Merrin bring a bible, holy water, and samurai swords to the exorcism. You got a problem with that, bitch?

David Lynch – Everyone begins to act really really weird.

Mike Nichols – Father Karras pounds on a window while screaming “RRREEEGGGAAANNN!!!!”

John Carpenter – Regan puts on a goofy mask before tossing Burke Dennings out the window.

Woody Allen – Everyone becomes incredibly neurotic.

Peter Weir – Chris McNeil takes Regan for a vacation in Amish country, and then starts secretly broadcasting the exorcism.

Adrian Lyne – The demon is exorcized and then boiled in a big pot.

Neil Jordan – Regan is really a man!!

Jonathan Demme – Father Karras and Father Merrin order it to put the lotion in the basket.

Sam Raimi – Father Merrin tells the demon “Good, bad, I’m the guy with the crucifix”.

The Wachowski Brothers A nice bullet-time shot of pea soup.

Sam Mendes – Regan spews out rose petals.

Merchant and Ivory – The demon invites everyone to tea.

Ridley Scott – The demon bursts out of Regan’s chest and declares “I’m here to unleash hell!!”

Stanley Kubrick – Regan nicknames the demon “Lolita”.

Spike Lee – Yo, why aren’t there any pictures of demons on the wall?

Joel Coen – Father Merrin and Father Karras toss the demon into a woodchipper.

James Cameron – Father Karras goes back to the past to save Regan before they hit the iceberg.

M. Night Shayamalan – Everyone is dead but they don’t know it.

Hmmm…The Exorcist with icebergs, woodchippers, pianos, and Kevin Costner? I think not! No, I’ll just take the take the movie in all it’s the green vomit spewing, stabbing the crotch with a crucifix, subliminal demon-faced glory. Now, that I’ve spent the last few hours writing about it now I have to go watch it have nightmares tonight. See ya!