Frankenhooker (1990) – By Brian Morton

 There are times when you can’t decide on whether you’d like to watch a horror movie or a comedy and I recently had one of these moments. Wandering the aisles of my video store, indecisive, confused and, frankly, not all that bright, when it came to me, why not watch a movie that’s a little horror and a little comedy? And, with that revelation, I could only think of one movie, Frank Henenlotter’s Frankenhooker!

Frankenhooker is the touching love story of Jeffrey Franken and Elizabeth Shelley…see, Franken? Shelley? Get it? Well, it’s that kind of a ham fisted, comedic approach to the Frankenstein story throughout this movie, and I have to admit, I found myself laughing! Jeffrey is an electrician who dabbles by night in surgery. Elizabeth is his doting fiancée. One day, at her father’s birthday party, while giving him he gift of a remote controlled lawn mower, Elizabeth is sadly chopped into about a hundred pieces, who hasn’t had that happen?

Jeffrey is distraught, but being that he dabbles in both electricity and surgery, it’s not that big a stretch to see where he’s gonna go with this. He saves Elizabeth’s head and sets out to find more parts to replace her originals. And, when you think spare female parts, you think hookers, don’t you? Or is that just me? Anyhow, Jeffrey pays for the hookers to line up so he can measure their parts, with the intent of killing the winner with some killer crack that he’s also invented. But when he can’t pick just one girl who has the perfect body, he’s going to forego the entire process. That is, until the hookers find the crack in his medical bag, because we all know that hookers love crack like a fat guy love Oreos, don’t we?!?

The next thing you know, hookers are exploding around Jeffrey, which is one of the funniest things you’ve ever seen in a horror movie. So, Jeffrey is surrounded by the parts he so desperately needs, he gathers them in garbage bags and returns to his garage laboratory to get to work fixing the love of his life.

Frankenhooker is one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen on video and, if you know me, and I hope by now that you do, you’ll know that I own a copy of this great movie! It’s called a ‘terrifying tale of sluts and bolts’ and it’s that and so much more. So, until the next time we meet when I’ll tell you how I made my wife from left over hooker parts and a German chocolate cake, remember that the best movies are bad movies!