Halloween Night (PARTY Central) – By Joshua Samford

 Being that this here article is going to be viewable for all of October, my favorite seasonal period by the way, I thought I would give everyone else a few ideas about just what their favorite internet writer might be up to. Being the INTENSE party animal that I just so happen to be, this article may or may not be acceptable for children. I warn everyone who may view this page – I rock out, with my jock out. You should be well aware with how totally bad and off the charts I am by my own self-censorship on that previous sentence. So, assuming that I am luck enough to have the day off from work come the 31st; this article will take place in a timeline format. If it were to be written in journal-format; I’m afraid it would be too off the charts for any elderly ladies reading. Let’s party.

12:00 PM: After getting off of work at 9pm the previous night, then travelling for an hour to get home where I then played on the internet for two hours; taking breaks only to make myself a Crystal Light and desperately stare into my cabinet full of Granola Bars which I cannot eat due to a fixed diet. I awake hungry, due to the taunting my stomach has taken. I eat my granola bar and disrobe in my room; and proceed to run giddily back and forth for no real apparent reason.

1:00 PM: Embarrassed from a cousin of mine walking in on me disrobed and pretending to be an eagle; I prepare for the decorations – and of course; the PARTYING. A full day planned ahead of myself; I start things by putting on actual clothes instead of my invisible ones – embarrassingly pointed out once again by my cousin. With my work shirt back on, as my budget of $0.00 on my wardrobe hasn’t afforded me any new clothing in a while (self note: add $0.01 to self wardrobe fund) I begin the decorations stage

2:00 PM: Little orange lights shaped like pumpkins are now in the midst of being strung up along the fence in front of the house. This clashes somewhat with the several fake tombstones and bloody arms and scattered bones littering the yard at this point. Will this be too much for the kiddies? I wonder this to myself as I plant the fake severed head on a steak in the middle of the yard and fill the gas on the chainsaw up – highly unlikely, kids these days like those Grand Theft Auto games I think to myself. Then I laugh VERY loud in the middle of the yard as my cousin stares at me blankly. He is questioning why he hangs out with me, so in order to show him I’m still cool; I throw him two thumbs up – he ignores my obvious coolness.

3:30 PM: The yard is littered with tons of decorations saved from previous years. My coolness has reached uncontrollable levels. I am now wearing sunshades, which I paid $3.25 for after taxes. Cool AND a good spender, my mind is blown – which is weird; since there should be nothing shocking about how utterly cool I know that I am. I write in my journal that new levels were reached today, and sign out with XOXO – which I am still not sure means. Someone told me it had to do with hugs and kisses; and if there’s one guy I would hug and kiss – it’s myself. Because I know I’m not gay, and could thus continue being straight; despite totally making out with myself.

4:20 PM: My cousin is now staring at me as I lay in the yard hugging myself and pretending to kiss my own face. He awakens me to the realization that this indeed is a little bit on the gay side. I laugh it off and say "gotcha", he isn’t tricked however. Perhaps I should have stopped after the first thirty minutes of groping myself. I pretend that nothing happened and go back to pouring candy in a skeleton head. Despite there being no contest, I write "1 point – Josh, 0 point – Cousin". I decide to try and find his name out, without letting him know I have forgotten it.

5:30 PM: The plan didn’t work out, after I walked up to him and said "Hey…" hoping he would finish the sentence with his own name. He just stared. I rescued myself by finishing the statement with a Pixies lyric; "Been tryin’ to meet you! OOOOOOH OOOOOOOH! Hey! Must be a devil between us, or whores in my bed, whores at the door, whore in my head! But Hey!" – he gives me another hard stare as I remember he doesn’t listen to the Pixies. I attempt a second rescue by trying to score a "high five". He doesn’t slap me any skin. I grab a shovel and begin to dig a ditch, a quarter of the way through the four foot by eight foot ditch – I forget why I decided to dig it. Plans are underway for the refilling of the hole. They include asking my mother to help…

7:00 PM: … The plan was a failure. I filled the hole by myself; as the first signs of trick-or-treaters begin making the rounds. When the first parent comes along with her child, dressed as an ogre of some kind – I pay her the compliment of "Say! That’s a nice looking Troll you have there, she looks just like you!". The mother looks offended as she strides away. My cousin tells me the girl was supposed to be a ballerina. My bad.

8:30 PM: An hour and a half has went by, the trick or treaters simple pass by. I am shirtless for only half this time; as it is part of my "drunken redneck on COPS" costume. I was persuaded by my now angry cousin to put the flannel shirt back on; I thing he’s just jealous since he opted to not wear a costume. Totally his loss.

9:00 PM: The rest of the night I decide we should spend indoors, since the JERK-or-treaters decide I’m too cool for them (which is most assuredly true). With a Crystal Light and granola bar in hand; I watch The New York Ripper and laugh giddily as nipples are sliced through and hookers are tortured. This reminds me of my college years, since they – much like this movie – also never actually happened.

10:00 PM: I contemplate suicide for several minutes as I am unable to find the remote to the DVD player, and as the blade slowly begins to deepen into my skin – I see it right there on top of the TV! Don’t you just hate when that happens? My cousin returns from the kitchen and I am cackling on the floor from the faux pas. When I explain to him what happened, he explains that what happened wasn’t a faux pas… I stare at him with burning hate in my eyes and take a sip of my Crystal Light – now in new Roadkill Flavor.

11:45 PM: I decide to call it an early night and shut down all partying operations. After a wild and crazy day of sobriety and Rock & Roll antics – I remove the chain from this day; because it has been off it. Get it? Remove the chain, the day was off the chain? Get it? I write to myself in my journal and explain that I did NOT rip that joke from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. My argument is essentially this: F ‘Em. I cover up in bed and rest my eyes. Hopefully it’s still Halloween when I wake up tomorrow. As I don’t intend to wear anything other than my Drunken Redneck costume for the following week at work. Having to steal the clothing from a homeless man outside of Winn-Dixie; I intend to get as much usage from this awesome costume as possible! I can’t wait until Halloween next week either!

So, after all of this, I’m sure at least a few of you are jealous. Some are probably living in fear and maybe one or two of you are even turned on – and lemme tell you people; that’s only the start of the shennanigans. There’s plenty more to come next week, as we grow closer to Christmas by way of Halloween III… Season of the Witch… Thanks for reading everybody!!!