Hangin’ With The Stars – By Brian Morton

Have you ever watched a movie and thought to yourself, ‘Hey, I’d like
to party with that dude?’ Well, me too. Now, I’m sure that this is
mostly a product of having no friends or life to speak of, but hey,
it’s my life and I’ll waste it however I see fit! So, this time I
decided to waste my time thinking about who I would hang out with, if I
actually got out of the house to hang out with people. Now, most people
would think of friends and family, but, being that I’m the "bad movie
guy", it seems only fitting that I would want to hang out with the
stars. Alright, me hanging out with stars is about as possible as Tom
Cruise really being attracted to Katie Holmes, but since the rest of
the world seems to be indulging that little fabrication, I thought you
might take a minute to indulge mine.

The
first guy that comes to my mind when I think of hanging with a movie
dude is, of course, Ash from the Evil Dead series. Why? Well, first
he’s a pretty normal seeming guy. He works at the local S-Mart, so we
could get discounts on snacks and stuff from there, he enjoys camping
and he seems to be the kind of guy who might have a case of beer
stashed somewhere in that damn cabin. Alright, there is that whole
being stalked through time by an evil entity to deal with, but I’m sure
that even evil entities take a day off now and then and Ash and I could
just hang on the couch having a couple of beers and watching movies. Or
just going down to the local watering hole and telling tales of demon
beheadings and possessed girlfriends and whatever the hell else came to
mind. We’d be the coolest guys in the tavern…well, he would be but
I’d be hanging out with him and that’s cool by association, and that’s
usually the best I can hope for!

Now,
if Ash was busy chopping up a possessed girlfriend or maybe fighting
demons, I’d find myself looking for a new friend, but I wouldn’t have
to look to far because next on my list would be Harry Callahan. Now, I
know Harry seems a little cold and quiet, but I’m sure that once you
get to know him, he’d lighten up and we’d have a great time. Harry
could tell you those cool police crime scene stories that all cops
tell. You know, the one about the time he had to shoot three guys who
robbed the bank without ever putting down his hotdog. Or the time he
had to use an rpg to stop some terrorists who kidnapped the mayor.
Harry would have the best stories! Now, I know the downside to this
plan is that almost everyone who hangs out with Harry for too long gets
killed, so I’d just have to remember that a couple of hours with Harry
is plenty, I’d hate to become just another dead partner.

Now
say both Ash and Harry are busy fighting off possessed friends and
hunting down maniac killers, then after a little thought I’d probably
call my good friend, Jason Voorhees. Now, Jason’s not the most outgoing
guy, but then, neither am I, so we’d probably get along just famously.
Jason has mother issues and he’s pretty sensitive about his appearance,
so we’d probably just stay at the house and order a pizza and watch a
little TV. Jase likes horror movies almost as much as I do, but hey,
we’re not above watching Office Space again…Jason does the best
impression of Milton, but it’s really hard to get him to do it in
public, so you might never see it, but if you get the chance just ask
him about his swingline stapler, he’ll go right into it and, I swear, I
laugh my ass off every time!

Yep, my movie friends and me are never far from each other. Whenever
I’m sitting by myself and have nothing to do, they’re always there,
right on the other end of my DVD or VCR, ready to entertain me or just
be there in the room. Now, if you’re feeling bad for me right now…you
know, poor Brian, sitting there alone in the dark watching movies,
remember, these guys are my friends. Don’t feel bad for me; feel bad
for the people who don’t know my friends. These are some of the coolest
guys around and there are still people out there who don’t know them!
They’re the ones I feel sorry for!