Horror Movie Safety and You! – By Mark Hite

As part of a concise effort to help the general public learn about the common mistakes in horror movies, this instructional piece is aimed to help those who may find themselves in dyer situations. After all, its is your life and only you can prevent a madman from taking it away!

This month we hope you learn the “do nots” of zombie management from 1985’s Return of the Living Dead. Our first do not in zombie management: Do not revive the dead in the first place.

Remember back in the day when your mother would say “curiosity killed the cat”? Well curiosity will some times bring cats (killed from other bouts of curiosity) back to life. For example, take our friends Freddy and Frank. Freddy is an ambitious new wave teen with a new job and a chance to climb the corporate latter. Frank is a supervisor trying to make a living for his family. When Frank brings up a mysterious container with a corpse in it, the two open it exposing themselves to a gas which kills people and brings the dead back to life. Lets look at how this situation could have been avoided.

Frank: Hey Freddy do you want to go open that tank with the corpse in it?

Freddy: No, I really have a lot in front of me and causing the apocalypse is something I’d rather not have on my resume.

Frank: You know what, you’re right Freddy. I should call that 1-800 number on the side of the tank and inform the government of this hazardous piece of material.

As we see in that example, Freddy and Frank think before they act. If the situation was handled like this, Freddy and Frank could have easily gone home that evening with a paycheck in their pockets and a smile on their faces. However they didn’t follow the first rule of zombie management and found themselves surrounded by reanimated dead tissue and suffering from a bad cold.

Now its time for our second do not of zombie management: Do not burn dead bodies reanimated by poisonous gas. You certainly wouldn’t burn wood around a nuclear power plant would you? So why would you ever burn a living corpse from a freezer? Ernie makes this mistake when Burt asks him to do this fateful deed. Let us explore once again how Ernie should have handled this situation.

Burt: Ernie I need you dispose of this flesh eating zombie.

Ernie: Burt my friend, although you and I share an apartment on Sesame Street, I fear that doing this would cause acid rain which would reanimate even more dead bodies.

Burt: You are right Ernie, how silly of me! Lets dig a hole six feet deep and hope for the best.

See how things could have been? Ernie could have wrapped up his evening with his only problem being the dust he inhaled from the crematorium. However, he ends up hiding in an attic waiting for a nuclear bomb to hit.

This brings us to our next do not of zombie management: Do not dance naked in a cemetery when acid rain is in the forecast. In this example, Trash makes the mistake of taking off her clothes only to get pelted by acid rain. If she would have been a nice girl and kept her private areas covered, her experience would have been less trying. Keeping her clothes on would have also made her a respectable human being instead of a loose woman.

Time for our fourth do not in zombie management: Do not forget to bring something bigger than a jeep. Being all you can be is sometimes tough in the Army. Being a complete fool however should never be an option. Our camouflage wearing friends in this movie take off in a jeep with a few automatic weapons. If you are facing nearly indestructible zombies, you may want to pack a little extra heat. A perfect example would be a tank, grenade launcher, etc. If you don’t, you may just find yourself on a zombie’s desert menu.

The fifth and final rule of the “do not” section of zombie management: Do not go into a cellar that contains a sloppy zombie. In this example, Suicide foolishly goes into a cellar with a brain eating zombie. If he had seen horror movies prior to this interlude, he would have known better. A cellar is often a opportunist paradise for zombies and need to be avoided at all costs. Suicide should have used the Burt method and lured out the zombie which would have left plenty of room to knock it’s block off.

Lets review the rules:

1.) Do not revive the dead in the first place.

2.) Do not burn dead bodies reanimated by poisonous gas.

3.) Do not dance naked in a cemetery when acid rain is in the forecast.

4.) Do not forget to bring something bigger than a jeep.

5.) Do not go into a cellar that contains a sloppy zombie.

I hope you have learned much from this lesson. Next month we will continue with the “dos” of zombie management. Until then remember, we care about your well being!