Horror Movie Safety and You – Jobs to Avoid – By Mark Hite

As part of a concise effort to help the general public learn about the common mistakes in horror movies, this instructional piece is aimed to help those who may find themselves in dyer situations. After all, it is your life and only you can prevent a madman from taking it away!

This month we happily bring you a new fun learning segment called, “roles you want to avoid so you won’t become killing fodder”! That’s right kids; why become just another number on the DOA list? If you to take advantage of the following guide lines, you too can topple the man of your nightmares! Right now let us provide some examples of what not to be when you grow up.

First role to avoid; the horny teenager. Have you ever had a loving feeling in a certain area? Better yet do you know how to ignore that feeling if a madman is on the loose? Even if there is a hot coed ready to give herself to you? Indeed the horny teenager has been targeted by crazies in the past. For example, even the great Kevin Bacon fell prone to this in the first Friday The 13th. He quickly became fodder because he needed some horizontal action. His purpose could have been much more meaningful in the movie but rather ended up being another link for that 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon Game.

Second role to avoid; the joke cracker. Sure he or she may be funny in life but do they last long when someone throws a sharp object at them? Often these wise guys are the first to go in horror movies. For example, Stooge in Night Of The Demons was a funny guy. He could tell knee slappers until the end of time. However, he never even reached Carrot Top status because he had his tongue ripped out by demons. So in case you feel like spouting out the latest one about the nun and the priest, think again my friends!

Third role to avoid; the chick with breast implants. Ah yes just like Roy Orbison once said, “pretty woman look my way”. Killers in horror movies always spot the girl with the largest floatation devices attached to her. Linnea Quiqley is a perfect example because she has been killed by everything in movies from Killer Santas to Mutant Aliens to Zombies. So in case you’re thinking of that extreme make over, keep hitting yourself with the ugly stick. You might not attract guys but at least you’ll survive a few sequels!

Fourth role to avoid; the odd job person. Do you find yourself with little dialog in a movie? Or perhaps you’re invited to take a trek through the jungle with the stars of the film? If so run to the nearest boat, train, or car and get away! People may hire you to carry bags or to patrol your local shopping mall but I guarantee they won’t include “death” in the job description. So refuse that $5.00 an hour job and go work somewhere else.

Fifth role to avoid; the henchman. Are you in the same uniform as the guy standing next to you? Do you find yourself being sent out against insurmountable odds? Is a hero or villain wasting your buddies while your supervisor keeps sending more in? Do yourself a favor and don’t assume you won’t be next! Henchmen have been renown for not coming home to a warm supper. Henchmen have been known to get swallowed up by Aztec Gods, zapped out of existence by a half naked David Carradine or ripped apart by evil toys.

Lets cover those fodder roles to avoid again:

1.) The Horny Teenager

2.) The Joke Cracker

3.) The Chick With Implants

4.) The Odd Job Person

5.) The Henchman

I’m sure you can think of many other roles to avoid. Don’t become fodder, go out fighting! Until next time remember, we care about your well being.