Horror Movie Safety and You: Part Deux – By Mark Hite

As part of a concise effort to help the general public learn about the common mistakes in horror movies, this instructional piece is aimed to help those who may find themselves in dyer situations. After all, its is your life and only you can prevent a madman from taking it away!

As promised this month we hope you learn the “dos” of zombie management from 1985’s Return of the Living Dead. Let us start off with the most basic rule; Get to know your friendly neighborhood zombie.

Ernie takes advantage of this concept in the film when he ties down a half corpse to his embalming table. He makes the stump of a woman feel welcome by asking her why she eats brains. In zombie talk, this is very much like saying hello to someone you have never met. Being polite in even the most grim situations truly inspires others around you to do so as well. Who knows, in time zombies may learn to get along with humans so they don’t have to get their brains blasted out. So remember to put on a happy face and talk it up a little bit with your local undead member!

Second on the “dos” list of zombie management; In case you release living death, make sure you call your supervisor who has the courage to deal with it. Freddy and Frank do this well by contacting Burt who can solve problems the old fashioned way. They realize that Burt possesses the know how to deal with demanding situations such as rotting corpses that want to eat their brain. Burt takes command of the situation by using a thinking man’s approach such as knocking a zombie’s head off with a baseball bat. If you can’t save your own life, put it in the hands of a renaissance man like Burt.

Unfortunately, humans in this movie aren’t smart enough to give us more examples. So now as part of our Horror Movie Safety And You series, we’d like to include everyone living and undead. So now for our resurrected friends reading this, we bring you tips on ensuring your brain eating happiness!

The first “do” of zombie etiquette; Do come out to 45 Grave’s Do You Wanna Party. It has been years since you’ve seen daylight and this is your coming out party! If you come out to a Kenny Rogers or Lionel Richie song, people will laugh you right back in to your coffin. Make a statement as if to say “I’m back baby” with a song about murder and mayhem. After all this is what you are here to cause!

The second “do” of zombie etiquette; When food runs out, be kind and order more. One zombie does then when he orders “more paramedics”. There is nothing worse than someone who comes to a party, eats everything in sight, and does nothing in return. This plainly is not civilized behavior and one can learn a lot from the zombie who went the extra mile. So get on that CB radio and make a late night order, after all the paramedics will always deliver to your location!

The last “do” of zombie etiquette; When all else fails, cremate yourself. Frank didn’t like the taste of brains and entrails so he did the living a favor, he torched himself in Ernie’s crematorium. Doing this also saved the group of survivors from his insufferable whining. So if you find your body temperature falling and yourself stinking up the area death style, put that wedding band on a hook and burn baby burn!

Lets review these lessons once again;

1.) Get to know your friendly neighborhood zombie.

2.) Call your supervisor.

3.) Come out to 45 Grave.

4.) Order more food.

5.) If all else fails, cremate yourself.

I hope you have learned much from this lesson. Until our next feature film lesson remember, we care about your well being!