I Am Virgin (2010) – By Duane L. Martin

I Am Vampire is supposed to be a spoof on I Am Legend I suppose.  The Tagline reads, "One lonely man.  Six billion sex crazed vampires.  Be careful what you wish for."  I went into this film wishing for a fun sex comedy.  What I got was something else entirely.

I Am Virgin is the story of Robby (Adam Davis), the last virgin in a world full of sex crazed vampires.  The tag line says the world is inhabited by six billion of them, but everywhere he went seemed mostly deserted except for a few vampires here and there having sex.  See, Robby’s parents caused massive psychological scarring about how women were evil and would ruin his life if he had sex with any of them before he found the right one.  So now all Robby does is drive around in an SUV with a shotgun and his trusty basset hound Billy, looking for anyone who’s normal, collecting porn where he finds it and basically looking for "the right woman" so he can finally have sex and stop being a virgin.

While that sounds like it could potentially be a fun movie, it just simply wasn’t.  Even Ron Jeremy appearing as one of the vampires at the end really didn’t really add much to the story.  All it served to do actually was to make the story even more lame by explaining that the only reason people became vampires after they had sex with vampires was because they felt guilty about it.  So he could have sex with all the vampires he wanted, and as long as he didn’t feel guilty about it, he wouldn’t turn into one of them.  Wait…what?  So six billion people felt guilty about sex, so they all turned into sex vampires?  First off, if there’s six billion of them they all must have moved somewhere else, because there sure weren’t many where Robby was.  Second, the whole sex guilt thing was just stupid.  Full stop.

I guess I’ve gotten spoiled by Retromedia’s fun sex films as well.  In those films, the women are hot and classy and the sex is passionate.  You can tell those people actually enjoy working together and are totally into being with each other.  In this film, you basically have a bunch of trashy looking people having sex that literally almost borders on mechanical.  There’s no sense of fun or passion to it at all.  It’s just cold sex.  Some of the women are heavily tattoed, pierced and have dreads or whatever.  Basically, they messed themselves up to the point of being wholly unattractive.  I’m not saying they were all that way, but even having one or two like that really kills the vibe.  The ones that were hot all seemed like cold, industry folks who just don’t put any real feeling into what they’re doing.  It all felt fake, which made it ultimately boring.

As far as the acting goes, it was ok, but nothing special.  Adam Davis did a decent job as Robby, but the cast as a whole was just uninteresting, except of course for his parents who were pretty over the top, and Ron Jeremy, who only had a small part, yet was probably the most interesting part of the film.  Basically he was just being himself, but as a vampire with a story to tell.

The film was technically ok.  The sound was fine, the editing and lighting were all good, but it had the look of an indie film that was made on the super cheap.  Set design was minimal and unimaginative.  Often Robby would walk into places where there was nothing more than some coverings hanging down or some covered openings where silhouettes could be seen behind them.  Probably the most interesting place in the whole film was Robby’s house, which actually did have some thought put into the set design.  Ron Jeremy’s house too was somewhat interesting, but consisted of little more than porn paraphernalia strewn about the place.

All in all, this was simply a lackluster film that in no way measured up to the fun films that Retromedia’s been cranking out one after the other lately.  It was boring, uninspired and don’t even get me started on the rotting corpse.  They used the same rotting corpse in different clothes and postions in various scenes of the movie.  After the third time we see it, it’s like, "why bother?".

I can’t in good conscience recommend this film.  If you want a fun sex film, get the ones from Retromedia.  This one just fell totally flat.  It has its moments, but there’s not enough of them to warrant your time watching it.

If you’d like to find out more about this film, you can check out the film’s website at http://www.iamvirginthemovie.com.