I Love Bad Movies: Terrible Effects – By James A. Roberson

My friends we can not keep this a secret any longer! Can your hearts stand the truth; that two pie-plates glued together and tied to a string equals a Flying Saucer!

The perfect storm that is a bad movie is born when two storm fronts collide…big ideas and little money.

A low-budget is the spark that sets-off the big bang of the creative mind; the mind that dresses dogs up to look like Giant Shrews (for "Attack of the Giant Shrews.") The same mind that ties strings to rubber bats, makes robots from cardboard, and smears oatmeal on another human beings face to create a Monster.

It’s the idea that blowing your budget on a rented gorilla suit isn’t a blunder, but a skillful chess move (as long as the gorilla appears in ninety-five percent of the shots.) This is the real genius of filmmaking.

It’s the genius that looks at red gelatin wiggling on a plate and thinks, "If that were twenty feet tall it could terrorize teenagers parked at lover’s lane, and their only hope would be Steve McQueen, who’s not afraid of any sized desert." Thus, "The Blob" is born, and its influence spawns remakes and rip-offs, but the process is always the same…actors covered in Strawberry jelly. Oh, the Horror!

The Horror and the Humor of it all! It makes you wonder… Did theses mavericks of moviemaking know how funny their rubber monsters were going to be? I would like to think so. And I wish I could have witnessed that "moment of clarity" when the first actor waddled on to the set in full monster suit, with a big metal zipper up the front, and foam head under his arm; like an astronaut overflowing with "The Right Stuff."

Imagine it. Lighting guys working hard, actors memorizing lines, and in walks "the monster." First, a moment of awkward silence, a slight chuckle from the back of the set, and then laughter that spreads like wildfire. "Alright, damn it!" Shouts the director. "Let’s just shoot the thing!" …Movie History.

The new generation of bad moviemaker can learn a lot from theses pioneers of poor product. Such as using a ripe melon filled with goo for a head crush scene (ala "The Toxic Avenger.") Or that for the price of a bag of cotton balls and a bottle corn syrup you can turn one of your actors into a horrifying monster (as suggested by "Dick Smith’s Do-It-Yourself Monster Make-Up Handbook.") And let us not forget that an airplane cockpit is nothing more than a plywood archway and curtain (as seen in "Plan 9 from Other Space.)

You see, that’s what all the snobby film critics out there will never understand (except for Leonard Maltin’s glowing review of "A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors," in which Maltin said the film was, "Well written and imaginatively directed.") …These horrible films are about being creative (and making a quick buck.) But mostly, B-Moviemaking is about having fun and saying to others, "Hey, look at this cool piece of crap I made!"