Ingredients for Making a Bad Movie – By Danny Runion

Hollywood has refused my idea for the greatest movie of 2006. Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba are best friends playing beach volleyball, hanging out in hot tubs, or taking long hot showers for 4 1/2 hours. They’re refusing a guaranteed money-making project. Well, let’s abandon this truly wonderful idea and wallow in true sucktackularity. We’ve all seen bad movies and quite a bit of debate over what is the worst movie ever. I don’t want to discuss the bottom 5 or 10 worst movies. That would be far too subjective. So, what would be the worst movie imaginable? I’m not going to go the easy way with something schlocky and offensive thing like "Springtime for Hitler" from the Producers. So, you’ll have to wait for someone to create "Stalin on Ice."

What are the ground rules? We’ll take mainly a b-movie cast on all levels from producers to actors and place them in a big budget production with a little help from their far more successful yet more reviled brethren. The people mentioned must be somewhat famous though not in the way of being chased by crazed photographers or for couch jumping on talk shows. If an actor’s biggest role is caveman 3rd from the left in the 2nd village scene, that doesn’t cut it. Several of the actors may actually be dead for decades but that’s no reason not to exclude them. However, since this is a dream project, so leeway should be given.

It would be too easy to develop a horror or sci-fi movie into something truly bad. There is no challenge in that. Musicals always seem to have some humor until Full Metal Jacket: the Musical opens on Broadway. The movie should be an epic historical piece though something that is connected to us all far more than the Trojan War would be. The American Revolutionary War which has shaped our country hasn’t really had many movies based on it which is more than a shame but a travesty.

Crew:

Coleman Francis and Sandy Frank are the producers. Both have had numerous movies on MST3K.
Imagine combining the talent that brought the Beast of Yucca Flats with the mind that released the American version of many Gamera movies to the world.

Uwe Boll was first choice for director but is recovering after the mental breakdown of directing Burger Time. Albert Pyun will direct. He is best known for directing, the Jean Claude Van-Damme masterpiece. Cyborg

Ed Wood Jr. and Hal Warren are the screenwriters. Though Woods is known for directing Plan 9 from Outer Space, he wrote most of his movies. Warren wrote and directed Manos: Hands of Fate. Together they will make movie magic.

Michael Bay will insure the historic accuracy of the details in the movie.
For instance, C-4 was only readily available after 1775. The truth will finally revealed about the British dirigible bombing raids against animal shelters…

All movies must have a soundtrack with a theme song that inspires the viewers. The theme song, "So, You Want a Revolution" will be performed by the John Tesh Orchestra featuring the Bee Gees, Michael Bolton, and Yanni.

Cast:

Americans:

Linnea Quigley is Betsy Ross
The audience will cheer when she proudly dances around the first flag pole flying the flag she has just sewed together.

Tim Thomerson is General George Washington
He may be remembered more for portraying Jack Deth, but will bring a new image to the first President.

Jennifer Lopez is Martha Washington
She won’t talk but just randomly dance around battles.

Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis is Ben Franklin
Could anyone else convey the wisdom of this brilliant mind?

Brad Douriff is Thomas Jefferson
Moviegoers will be stunned when he removes the part from the Declaration of Independence about rats are used by the British to torture captive American soldiers.

Johnny Knoxville is Benedict Arnold
He will reveal to the British the location of the secret rebel base on the planet Hoth.

Jack Elam is John Adams
A grizzled lazy eyed man will insure that no one can forget this future president.

Michael Ironsides and R. Lee Ermey will play grizzled sergeants that mold the troops into a true fighting force.

British:

Tom Green is King George the III
Could anyone else play a crazy monarch more off-the-wall than Tom Green?

Andrew "Dice" Clay is General Charles Cornwallis
Advanced audio technology will digitally remove the Diceman’s Brooklyn accent for this challenging role.

Clancy Brown is General Henry Clinton
Every movie needs the KURGAN!!!

Adrienne Barbeau is the Lady Winchester
At first, she doesn’t believe the stories of how England is sending rabid bats to American. Slowly, she learns the truth and begins passing British military plans to American intelligence.

Sean Astin is Lieutenant Robert Smyth
An honorable soldier that is forced to prevent the Terminator from killing the John Connor’s ancestors in a mad attempt by Skynet to conquer the future.