Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973) – By Matt Singer

On the list of ways I’d like to go, death by overly vigorous intercourse with a mutated bee girl would be very high; top three at least, just behind dying in my sleep and choking to death on my own foot. The Bee Girls all dress in revealing outfits and wear clunky sunglasses to mask their black bee eyes. Call me crazy, but they look sexy as hell. You can see why all the dopey men in town are falling under their spell. Death seems like a reasonable price for a shot with one of them.

Their illogical plan involves killing men through gymnastic getting-it-on sessions, then turning their widows into Bee Girls, in a process that involves, to my untrained eye, covering the nude women in marshmallow fluff, sticking them in front of a crotch-level dartboard, nuking them in a microwave for a few minutes and then peeling off the now rubbery fluff to reveal the newly-formed Bee Girl underneath. These Bee Girls then go out and kill more men, which creates the opportunity to make more Bee Girls. To be honest, I missed the explanation of the plan’s origins and its intended purpose. Something about a Dr. Grubowsky, a bacteriologist; or, in layman’s terms, a man who studies bacters. I do know that it all involves the Brandt Corporation, a scientific firm employed by the military, and experiments on bees, which serves as a good reminder that animal testing is cruel and immoral especially when it is on animals with the ability to turn human beings into remorseless sex-crazed killers with no eyeballs.

Mankind’s only hope against the nebulous Bee Girl menace is Neil Agar, State Department Security. I know his name and title because Neil Agar (State Department Security) announces his full name and title in every single scene: when he meets people, when he calls people on the phone, when he reports in to headquarters, when he orders his dinner at the Olive Garden, when he picks up his dry cleaning, and so on. Neil Agar, State Department Security, has been called in by the State Department (by someone in the security division, no doubt) to investigate the mysterious but sexy murders at the Brandt Corporation.

Neil’s not too bright. In one scene he is oblivious to the attempted rape of his girlfriend because he is busy using a pay phone. Later, he cracks the secret of the Bee Girls by using an incredible leap of logic. After someone remarks that the men are “dropping like flies” he realizes the killers must be some sort of insect! That is so stupid, it’s almost brilliant.

Dim-witted Neil could use some help, but his only assistance comes from a chubby, balding police chief with powers of deduction that make Chief Wiggum look like Encyclopedia Brown. He holds a town meeting to tell the surviving citizens not to have sex for fear that it could kill them. Most of the townspeople are outraged and declare they will have sex early and often with whomever they choose, and most of those people die quickly at the hands of the voluptuous Bee Girls inside of ten minutes. There was one guy in the corner who looked relieved, as if he finally had an excuse for his self-imposed abstinence.

Invasion of the Bee Girls is silly to be sure, but it is performed by its mediocre cast with a heartfelt sincerity that borders on touching. Its premise is ludicrous — and that’s in the scenes where it’s lucid at all — but you wouldn’t know it from the performances which never wink or acknowledge the inherent idiocy in a massive sex conspiracy from the animal kingdom. This, along with a surprising and very much welcome nudity quotient, make it a treat.