At this time of year, we’re all told to be ‘of good cheer’, we’re told ‘God bless us, every one’ and we’re supposed to have ‘visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads’, but what about the dark side of Christmas? That time of year full of darkness and despair? I thought that it was about time to expose the horror behind the holiday, and where might I turn for my information? That’s right, the movies!
Let’s start with the number one Christmas icon, that we all know and love, Santa Claus. We’ve been told that Santa is a ‘right jolly old elf’ and that he brings toys to the good little boys and girls of the world, but what about the bad boys and girls? Sure, we’re told there’s a list, but we’re never told what happens to the bad children, well, according to Santa’s Slay, the bad children will be punished by death! That seems a slightly extreme punishment for just talking back to your parents. In Silent Night, Deadly Night, it’s an mental patient dressed as Santa who kills dozens of people and let’s not forget Santa Claus: The Movie, where Santa is aided by Dudley Moore…could there be a more sure sign of evil??!!?? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, movie after movie after movie site an evil Santa, instead of the right jolly old elf we’ve been told about, Christmas Evil, Don’t Open Till Christmas, Santa’s Claws and the list goes on and on! So, on Christmas Eve, when you hear those sleigh bells, think back on the year, which list are you on, and if you’re not sure, maybe you should hide in the basement until it’s all over…just in case!
And what about the happy snowman? In the TV special Frosty The Snowman, it’s a magic hat that brings the happy snowman to life and he dances and plays, and Burl Ives, a right jolly old elf himself, has also played Frosty. But, snowmen aren’t always good and happy, take a look at the movie Jack Frost (not the crappy Michael Keaton movie, the crappy horror movie!), this snowman is really a reincarnated serial killer! Now, could this really happen, scientists say no, but then, scientists also used to think that the world was flat, so I don’t put a lot of stock in anything they say! So, the next time you’re rolling up that snow, don’t make that snowman too big, you never know when he might take that carrot nose out of his evil head and begin stabbing the neighbors with it.
Now, I’m sure by now you’re asking, "Well, can’t we just give presents and forget all this mayhem?!", well, I don’t think you want to do that! Some presents are happy fun toys, but others can turn on you, remember Chucky from Child’s Play?? He was a Christmas Present! Remember those evil Gremlins?? Also a Christmas present! All of these evil gifts might have been picked up at the Chopping Mall, which isn’t really a holiday themed movie, but the name just fits my running joke here! So, you can gift and regift all you like, just remember for every Furby that’s out there, there’s a Chucky waiting to strike!
So, as you gather your family to your bosom, and you light the candles and light up the tree, remember that most of the time, Christmas is a fine time of the year. Most of the time, you can have a drink, let your guard down and just enjoy your friends at a nice party. But, it only takes one psycho Santa, it only takes one evil possessed snowman, it only takes one rampaging toy with a knife to ruin it for everyone! What am I getting at here? Well, it may be the ‘most wonderful time of the year’, but I, for one, won’t be letting my guard down any time soon, that’s exactly what that evil possessed Christmas Tree wants me to do!