It’s The Law Of The Movies! – By Brian Morton

 There are a million stories in the video store, this is my city, I carry a badge. No, I’m not going to give you a speeding ticket, I’m not going to go all LAPD and beat you with my knight stick, I’m here to enforce and explain the law of the movies. That’s right, there are laws to b movies and most people don’t understand them, so let’s have a quick B movie law lesson, shall we?

Law #1 – The good guy gets the girl. Now, this might seem a bit trite to most people, but it’s a pretty important movie law. After all, what would the movie be like, if at the end, the bad guy still got the love interest while the good guy is left holding…well, the bag, let’s say. Any movie that allows the bad guy to walk away with the girl, will be pulled over and fined.

Law #2 – The good guy must be beaten in order for revenge to be a little sweeter for the viewer. Now this seems a little goofy, but it has to happen. The good guy has to have a reason to personally hate the bad guy. It’s not enough to just dislike him for bad things that he’s done, it has to be personal before retribution can be meted out! Any good guy over punishing a bad guy, with no personal assault being established on said good guy, will be deemed ‘anti-hero’ and his ‘hero’ status will be revoked, pending appeal.

Law #3 – If horrific crimes are perpetrated on a woman, and said woman isn’t left completely dead or crippled, it’s up to that woman to dish out justice herself. Any man interfering with said vengeance, without receiving written permission of said woman, will be deemed ‘villain’ and justice will be served on him also. Female roles in movies have changed and this law reflects that change. It’s no longer acceptable for female role models to be the beleaguered heroine. As they say, the women are doing it for themselves and this includes getting that sweet, sweet movie payback!

Law #4 – The punishment WILL fit the crime. No matter what the villain does, no matter how heinous or vile, the justice dished out at the climax will be equal to or greater than the crimes committed. This will allow viewers to watch horrific acts, knowing that the perpetrator will get his due before the finale! Any movie allowing horrific acts against a person or persons, while not allowing equivalent retribution will be pulled from shelves and fined appropriately.

Law #5 – If a hero is rendered dead or incapacitated, he must still be given the tools he needs to achieve the justice that the plot demands. This includes, but is not limited to, raising from the dead, miraculous healings and being granted powers beyond understanding. After all, this is a movie, so by any means necessary, takes on a whole new meaning!

Law #6 – Anyone labeled ‘geek’ or ‘nerd’ and treated poorly because of this label will be granted revenge before the end of the movie. This includes, but is not limited to, acts of villainy, merciless revenge and turning of accomplices. Since a large portion of the audience is, undoubtedly, geeks and/or nerds, it’s important for these people to get their vicarious thrills through the movies geeks, as they probably won’t ever get the revenge they so desperately want in real life.

Law #7 – Moral lessons must be completed by the finish of the film. Any movie leaving moral lessons unfinished or ambiguous will be deemed ‘art films’ and moved to the appropriate section of the video store where cobwebs will begin to gather on it.

Law #8 – Love stories must include a tragic element. This included, but is not limited to, death, crippling accidents, horrible turns of fate, temptation by other women and changes of heart. This tragic element allows for some entertainment of the male population who are dragged to these ‘chick flicks.’

Law #9 – Love stories must attain and complete a happy ending. Viewers of love stories demand, and will be given, a happy ending, even if said happy ending is bitter sweet. Any love story not allowing for a happy ending, will be moved to the ‘art film’ section without appeal.

Law #10 – ‘Loner heroes’ must be given a tragic back-story. All lone heroes must be given a reason for the shunning of friendship and companions. This can include, but is not limited to, the death of a wife or brother, a tragic war incident and the actual death of the hero. Any hero who shuns humanity with no reason, will be deemed a villain and banned from prevailing in battles.

Any movie that doesn’t adhere to these laws will be subject to the appropriate fines and penalties. These can include, non-rental, re-assignment to a more appropriate section of said video store and removal of B movie status.

So, if you see a man in reflective sunglasses and a movie cop badge patrolling the aisles at your local video store, don’t be alarmed. I’m here for your protection. I’m here to maintain the video peace, as it were. So, just nod and keep moving, there’s nothing to see here, and if I’m eating a doughnut, please keep the snide remarks to yourself!