Jack Frost (1997) – By Brian Morton

You know the story of Jack Frost, yeah I know, there’s not much of a story, just the nipping at your nose junk. But some dedicated filmmakers decided that that was enough for a horror movie. And you know, when you start with a seed that insignificant, can disaster be very far behind? And the answer, of course, is NO!

Alright, here’s the story. There’s a serial killer, coincidentally named Jack Frost who’s been caught by a very lucky sheriff in the small town of Snomonton. That’s right, Snomonton, I couldn’t make that up, and if I did, it would certainly be a better joke than that. Anyway, Jack Frost has been caught and is convicted and sentenced to death, but on the way to his execution, in a truck marked ‘Execution Transfer’, there’s an accident. But wait there’s more, as they say. You see, it’s a snowy, stormy night and when the ‘execution transfer’ vehicle meets up with the local genetic research truck, trouble must invariably follow. That’s right, Jack is set free but unfortunately he’s soaked in a genetically altering acid and he’s chemically bonded with the snow he was standing in. That’s right, he’s now living snow! It could happen.

So, in the town where Jack was caught, he suddenly finds himself turned into an unstoppable genetically altered killer snowman, what are the chances? This is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a LOT of bad movies in my day. I know that it’s supposed to be a horror comedy, but it succeeds in neither, it’s not scary and it’s certainly not funny and the story in and of itself is one of the dumbest things ever. You see, after realizing that it’s a snowman killing everyone in the town, our sheriff friend has to find a way to kill him. Now, when you know you have a killer can change from water to ice and back again at will, you might think heat can kill him, but you’d be wrong, heat only turns him into steam, he condenses, becomes water and then snow again. It’s like a lesson in how earth’s atmosphere works in a truly crappy way. So, how can I kill a mutant killer snowman you ask? Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? Anti-Freeze! So, while the towns hardware store owner gets a pickup truck full of anti-freeze ready, our sheriff hero lures the snowman into the upstairs of a church where he can grab him and dive into the back of the anti-freeze filled pick up truck. It’s as solid a plan as this movie could come up with…give them a break!

So, we end our little adventure with the town’s people sealing Jack Frost into watertight jugs and burying him in an unmarked grave in the local cemetery. There is one saving grace for you film buffs; Jack Frost features an early appearance by Shannon Elizabeth as the horny local girl, who after her whole family is killed, still decides to have a little fun with her boyfriend. And in one of the most inane scenes in film history, Shannon goes upstairs while the boyfriend is getting the wine ready, and blow-dries her hair, then after her hair is done and dry, she get into the bathtub and takes a bath and washes her hair! How, I know what you guys out there are thinking, hey, is Shannon Elizabeth is naked, who cares. But there’s the problem, there’s no nudity in the movie at all and there’s very little on screen violence.

So, if you’re in the mood for a little Christmas cheer, you may just want to avoid Jack Frost, although, on the upside there is some very good music in this movie. I guarantee that you’ve never heard any Christmas music used as horror music before this movie and I believe that once you’ve heard a scary version of Silent Night, you’ll never let those damn carolers near your house again! It’s Jack Frost and as far as mutant killer snowman movies go, this is one that best left in the sun to melt!