Jason’s Holiday Diary – By Brian Morton

Last year around this time, I got to take a look at one of the rarest documents in the world, the diary of Leatherface. And so, in keeping with the holiday tradition, I thought this year we could blow the dust off another famous movie maniac’s most private thoughts. How about Jason Voorhees, you ask? Well, you wish is my command so, please enjoy these excerpts from Jason’s diary:

11/21 – Well, it’s that time of year again. The camp is closed, the leaves are falling from the trees and here I am, alone in the woods again…well, almost alone, I do have several dead counselors and mom’s head in the other room, but she’s really just a conversation piece at this point. I really hate this time of year, the only people that want to come over are uncles and aunts, and, now that mom’s gone, it’s up to me to entertain them! Maybe they’ll forget about me this year, after all, I am quite a ways off the beaten path!

11/25 – Thanksgiving – Well, it was a big day today. No matter how far back into these woods I move Uncle Hugh can always find me! I swear, next year I’m going to the Bahamas for the holidays, just to avoid him! Oh Hell, why bother, he’d probably sniff me out there too! He sits there and smokes that damned cigar of his and just waits for dinner! Could he offer to lend me a hand? Set the table? Carry in the turkey? Something for God’s sake!! But, no! He just sits there watching football and smoking that cigar until it’s time to eat.

Then there’s Aunt Mabel. With her, I could use a little less help. ‘Jason, don’t let the turkey get dry’ ‘Jason, did you remember fresh cranberries’ ‘Jason, are these rolls home-made, you know I really enjoy your home-made rolls’ nag, nag, nag! I mean, if I could get her to sit down sometimes and Hugh to get off his ass sometimes, this might actually be an enjoyable holiday! And, does she have to bring the kids? The damned little rug rats hid my hockey mask and it took me four and a half hours to find the damned thing! I mean, seriously, who the hell puts a hockey mask in the freezer behind the hamburger?

11/26 – Well, everyone’s finally gone. I know it’s the holidays and I should enjoy having family around, especially with mom being gone now and all, but it’s just so much! The meal, cleaning the place before everyone gets here, then cleaning up after them when they leave. Plus, the kids wanted to stay up all night watching movies. I should enjoy it more, ‘Uncle Jason, which one is your favorite movie?’ ‘Uncle Jason, did you really kill Kevin Bacon?’ ‘Uncle Jason, how many counselors were there at the first summer camp you went to?’ they’re just kids, but I must be getting old, after about two hours of question and answers, I just get tired of hearing my own voice! Besides, who hasn’t heard all those stories about me and Kevin Bacon hanging out…although we did have some pretty wild times on that set. Heh heh heh, you remember diary, I don’t have to tell you!

12/22 – Christmas time – Well, I finally got the house all decorated. I like a live tree, but I have to admit, cutting those things down with just a machete is a pain in my ass! But, I guess it only comes once a year, so I shouldn’t complain. Besides the real pain is running all those lights. I know it’s dumb to decorate as much as I do, but it’s what mom used to do, so I feel like it’s the tradition and it’s up to me to carry it on.

12/23 – Well shopping is done! I don’t know why I still get a gift for mom. The doctors explained that her voice is only in my head and that her head isn’t coming back to life. But still, it’s better to be safe than sorry. I did get an interesting letter today. It seems that Freddy Krueger wants to do, what he calls a ‘versus’ movie. I don’t know diary, I mean, I’m pretty happy as a loner, do I really need that sweater wearing idiot to boost my career? Yeah, I know, it’s been pretty slow since the 80s stopped, but you never know! Anyway, I’ll forward this to my agent and let him look into it, Saul looks out for me pretty good.

12/24 – Christmas Eve – Finally, we got some snow! You know it just doesn’t feel like Christmas without snow. Plus, living out here in the woods and having a gravel driveway, I don’t have to shovel, so it’s not the pain that it used to be when I lived in Manhattan. The family will be here to spend the day tomorrow, I don’t know why my house is the gathering spot, now I’ve got to make sure I’ve got plenty of supplies and make sure everything is spic and span. Grandma’s coming tomorrow and she’ll inspect everything here with a white glove. She’s been on me since mom died to ‘find a good woman and settle down’. I don’t know how many times I have to tell her that meeting women is hard for me! I’ve done the speed dating, I’ve done the online dating, hell, I even thought about hiring a match-maker, but relationships are just too hard for me. It always goes the same way anyhow, I show up early, mostly because I’m anal that way, then my date shows up and the next thing you know there’s screaming and screaming until I can’t take it anymore and then I have to find a place to put the body. I wish Grandma would just accept my bachelor lifestyle and get over it. Well, I guess that it’s nice that she cares about me, I just wish she’s be a little less aggressive about it!

12/25 – Christmas Day – Well, once again Jason gets hosed! I leave out the cookies and milk, I make sure I’m in bed early and STILL no Santa Claus!! Is it because I live so far from the city? Is it because I’ve had some “incidents” with teenagers? I mean, come on! No one’s so bad that Santa passes them over EVERY year! And that’s how my day started out. First nothing from Santa, then the family started getting here and the bitching begins. ‘Jason, you should really salt better’ ‘Jason, are you sure you can afford to light the house this much’ ‘Jason, you need to make sure that the tree has plenty of water or it’ll shed needles all over your floors’ What am I? Four years old? Seriously, I get sick and tired of being ridden by everyone in the family. I know that when I was younger I was a bit of a mama’s boy, but times have changed. I’m a man now and I’m fully capable of taking care of myself and my place. But as for Santa, I think I’m finished writing him letters. Next year I think I’ll lay in wait and give my good Mr. Claus a little surprise, Jason-style.

12/26 – Well the holiday is finally over. It seems like it’s the same thing every year, the same relatives telling me the same stories over and over. Plus, I do all the work, so it’s no fun for me! I swear, it’s the Bahamas for me next year. And I know I say that every year, but this time I’m serious…Oh, who am I kidding? I enjoy having family around, or I wouldn’t have brought mom’s head in from the shed. It may sound strange to other people, but keeping mom’s out there and taking her candles every couple of days keeps me grounded. All the movies and acting are fine, but it’s my family that keeps me just plain Jason, and, despite all the problems I’ve had, just plain Jason is who I like being the best!

Well, good night diary, I’m off to bed. It’s been a pretty good holiday, got that salad shooter that I wanted and I think the I-Pod that Uncle Hugh got me almost makes up for the cigar stink that’ll be in the house for the next three months. So, tomorrow, I start building my personal playlist…can you say Gwar?? Oh, yeah diary, Merry Christmas!

So, there you have it. A glimpse into the private life of one of our favorite film maniacs. It’s nice to see that no matter what you do or who you are, we’re really all pretty much the same when it comes to life. Families, problems, no one’s immune, whether you’re a huge Hollywood mega-star, a hockey mask wearing mongoloid killer or just a humble writer for an internet magazine, we’re all about the same. So, until next year, here’s hoping that your holidays are filled with fun and cheer and may all your Christmas’s be bright…and all that happy horse poo!