Jersey Shore Massacre (2014) – By Baron Craze

Paul Tarnopol, director of only one other film, entitled Girls Gone Dead, presents a new film, and assisting in the writing Goldeye, and the executive producer JWOW, joined forces to create Jersey Shore Massacre. At first one might suspect it is a movie version of the MTV highly disliked television show Jersey Shore, thankfully it was not, then one positions to accept that it is a sequel to the Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) by director John Sheppard again no, however John’s film is a tad superior to this movie. One of the actors in the movie is none other than Ron Jeremy the legendary and infamous porn star of over 1,350 adult films, and now making his way into horror films, and this man is a good quality in this film.

The film’s plot is a tad muddled, a typical weekend at the seashore takes a very bizarre turn into the back roads of the New Jersey Pine Barrens and pits six condensing women with five overbearing men, who become the intended targets of a maniac killer that the audience roots for throughout the entire film. Tarnopol presents a horror comedy, but replaces the comedy with an Andrew Dice Clay performance, and that type of humor still outweighs this, the aspects are very offensive and condescending to multiple ethnic groups, Italians and Hispanics, to name just two, and stereotyping Italians as uncaring brutes. The comedy goes downhill quickly, when the women are on the beach and one runs into the ocean to dispel a door number #2, which a father and son walk into, the same ones that the over sized muscle bound Italian studs pick on in very aggressive manner. One can see the humor just lacks in funny laughter and heads south fairly quickly, soon enough they on a trail in the woods searching for the Jersey Devil, with three geeky boys, who think they can score with the ladies, who put down excessively to their faces.  Although, the men you run the tour, stated it the cost of $7.50 each for all six, and they rebuffed the cost, “No we want a discount – $50 for us all”, greedily accepted showing the ignorance again.

The guys have some reference to ankle bracelets and mob ties and then the women are worst then mean girls, and not as bright either, Danielle Dallacco and Angelica, Teresa and Dina receive top billing on the film, with Ashley Mitchell for good measure. As for the men, Giovanni Roselli and Sal Governale (of The Pick-Axe Murders Part III: The Final Chapter (2014) equally in respectful in the positions, but again with another cameo role Shawn C. Phillips of 63 horror films and another 13 in pre-production mode. Some of the murders might have deeper meanings than just basic kills.  For example, the killing of the extremely large breasted woman with obvious implants used both an attention holder the mainly the male audience and showing it as a form of slowly killing oneself in exchange for attention and vanity.

Goldeye and Paul script lacks understanding, and has so much wrong with it causing mental errors, and underdeveloped, no possible rewrites, and the casting calls likely more entertaining. Now perhaps the filmmakers sought a cheesy campy film, however, there lacks that b-movie quality, not even a c-grade, although, that last real director that made z-grade (not zombie) was Edward D. Wood Jr. famous for Plan 9 from Outer Space. This film might be homage to him in the style of the worst it is the best it can be, if that perhaps was the plan then film hits all it marks.

The film actually has one recalling their youth, in the style where many horror fans rooted for the serial killers, Freddy, Michael, and Jason, to catch and kill their victims. It was a form of psychological therapy  that victim subconsciously was the person that made fun or humiliated in another manner, a visual harmless release of venting anger to those that harm, therefore in this production everyone routes for the killer, because the cast needs complete removal. The best portion in the movie comes near the end, with Ron as he gets both the perky look into his future and a handle of his big gun always ready to pull the trigger and end the insanity with more mayhem at any targets that presents them before him.