Leatherface’s Christmas Diary – By Brian Morton

If you’re like me, and I hope that you are, you’re always wondering ‘what are my favorite horror movie characters doing for the holidays?’. So, I contacted my favorite horror movie monster, Leatherface, and asked what he was doing for the holidays. Well, much to my amazement, he keeps a diary of all his goings on, and was kind enough to share a short except with me to share with you from last Christmas.

My Holiday Diary by Leatherface.

Sat 11/28/03Dear Diary, Damn I HATE the day after Thanksgiving! I had to get the Thanksgiving day meal ready, I had to butcher the ‘meat’, I had to set the table and then I had to clean up after and then, as the reward for all my hard work and just because I’m the tallest one in the house, they make me decorate the house for Christmas. So, I had to get up on that damned ladder and hang the lights (God I HATE those stupid ‘icicle’ lights, do they ever untangle?) and put that stupid Santa up on the roof, what a pain, and you know they’ll just make me take them all down again on the day after Christmas! What a pain in my ass!!!!!

Sat. Dec 20, 2003Dear Diary, Well the relatives have arrived in town, God, I hate these people. Everyone wants to pinch my cheeks and tell me how much I’ve grown. They’re ruined three of my faces today alone! I guess I’ll need to find some more, but that shouldn’t be a problem, we’re gonna have to get some ‘fresh meat’ in the house anyway for the holiday (if you know what I mean!). Well, at least they all showed up with presents, hopefully I’ll get that ‘Hello Kitty’ nightlight I’ve been asking for. I know everyone would make fun of me if they knew I was a Hello Kitty fan, but, hey, when you’re as big and scary as me you can get away with alot of things no one else can.

Sun 12/21/03Dear Diary, Just a lot of laying around today, holiday prep begins in earnest tomorrow. I’m just trying to stay away from the relatives as much as possible, what a bunch of WEIRDOS! I know that I’m going to be the one doing all the cooking for everyone, they all think that it’s soooo easy getting everything ready, but let them try to hold down a girl and filet her! No one appreciates me around here, so I decided that today is my ‘day of rest’. I practically dared anyone to come into my room and bother me. They all think I’m having one of my ‘moods’ but I just need to relax a little before I get to work and besides I need a day to get the chainsaw blade lubed and ready to go. No one ever thinks of that! They must think that the chainsaw fairies come here and get this stuff ready! Anyway, hopefully everything will go smoothly tomorrow, I don’t really want to be chasing people around in the middle of December.

Mon 12/22/03Dear Diary, It’s ‘shopping’ day! I know that it sounds like a pretty boring day to most people, but there’s nothing like getting out there and hunting to get ‘fresh meat’ into the house. Once they’re lured here then it’s really time for work. Getting the meal ready is always tough, but I think everyone will enjoy it and it should be a nice holiday.

Tue 12/23/03Dear Diary, Well, everything went as smoothly as possible yesterday. Got a couple of, what I like to call ‘select cuts’ in yesterday and got them cleaned and ready for the holiday meal. Now, all I have to do is get my presents ready and wait for Santa! Boy, I’d like to catch him one of these Christmas’s, he’s a big fat guy and I’ll bet there’s lots of good meat there, plus I could make soup for a month! But, business aside, I have to make all my presents by hand, the family really doesn’t like me going to the store. I guess I see what they mean, most people tend to scream alot when they see me, but I don’t have to take the chainsaw in with me and I’d promise to wear my Sunday suit and I’d try to be nice to people. Man, one mistake in one Walmart and they’ll never let me live it down!

Wed 12/24/03Dear Diary, It’s Christmas Eve! Everyone’s still here at the house, it was a pretty nice night. The meal was good, then we all exchanged gifts. I got a new apron, I really needed one! I also got a new knife set, which will come in handy and a couple of new video games. I really appreciate the games as I really don’t get out that much. I got a couple of those games I keep hearing are so violent, they seem pretty tame to me, I don’t know what all them complaining is about. Also, someone got me a Shrek DVD, first of all, I don’t have a DVD player yet, technology doesn’t keep up with me too much, but Shrek? I hate that movie and how old do they think I am anyway?!? Then the family harrassed me to sing that damn Drummer Boy song, they all know that I’m shy and hate singing in public, but there’s the interminable “you’re voice is so nice” and “you really should sing more” that I always give in and sing, but I really don’t like it that much. Thank God the holidays only come once a year. No one got me my Hello Kitty night-light, but there’s still Santa. I hope to stay up late enough to catch him this year…wish me luck.

Thur 12/25/03Dear Diary, It’s Christmas Day. Well, once again I stayed up all night to try to catch Santa and once again I fell asleep and missed him! I know that it sounds strange but I’m going to make it my personal mission to catch him next year! Besides just getting the jump on him, which, getting the jump on anyone is always fun, think of all the presents that we could get by grabbing that magic sack of his! Then it would be ‘Santa Stew’ for the next month! But there I was sound asleep, drooling on myself, Santa somehow got past me, got the cookies and beer I left out for him and got away again! I’ve got the whole year to plan for next year, I’ve got to make some kind of a trap! But, I say that every year and I never get around to it, who am I kidding? Well, at least, I got it! It was under the tree, way in the back, my Hello Kitty night-light. Yes, I was teased unmercifully, but it’s totally worth it. 🙂

Mon 12/29/03Dear Diary, Well, New Years is almost here. The family all hung around to ring in the New Year with us, that’s pretty cool, I guess. Finally a holiday that doesn’t involve me hunting down and cooking a huge meal! Everyone went out today to get all the beer and liquor that we’ll need to bring in the new year right. Hopefully they’ll remember the Margerita mix that I asked for, but I can always make a couple of Bloody Mary’s if I have to…I think there’s some Mary left in the freezer.

Wed 12/31/03Dear Diary, It’s New Years Eve. Excellent! I love this holiday. I always get a date. Well, they always bring in a new ‘date’ for me every year, if that’s the same thing and it is to me. You know I’m a little shy, but after a few drinks they always seem to warm up to me. I know that I’m not the best looking guy around, why do they think I wear the mask, but once you’re strapped to that chair, hey, let’s be honest, where are they gonna go?!?

Thur 1/1/03Dear Diary, Well, New Years Day is here. As Bono says, all is quiet on New Years Day. I was up pretty late last night, my ‘date’ was a screamer. God, I HATE that. Nothing but yelling and screaming and carrying on. “Please let me go”, “Why are you doing this?” it’s always the same old crap with these chicks, I swear, I’m swearing off of women for a looooong while. It would be nice once, if they’d just accept their fate and go along with it. It would be easier on everyone, wouldn’t it? I guess they’ll just never get it! Anyway, everyone here is watching football and nursing their hangovers, so it’s all quiet and nice, my crazy Uncle showed up last night with, of all things, a DVD player for me. So, I think that I’ll just put down my diary, put on my favorite “footie” pajamas, crawl into bed and watch Shrek. Mike Meyers is a pretty funny guy after all. I’d sure like to catch up with him one day…If you know what I mean. Talk to you tomorrow, diary.

So, there you have it, a glimpse into the real life holidays of a movie monster. It was just like I thought, they’re not that different from the rest of us…except for all that chasing down and killing people and eating them stuff. I sent out emails to Pinhead, Freddy and Jason, but they didn’t respond in time for publication. So, here’s hoping that you have a nice holiday and that you don’t end up as a ‘guest’ at any ill-intended parties.