Love Object (2003) – By Brian Morton

Have you ever dated the perfect woman? All right, let’s be honest, no one is perfect, but it’s that search for the perfect person that keeps all of us out there looking at least until we find them and, hopefully, marry them. Well, that’s what the film in question is about, the search for love… kind of. It’s called Love Object and it’s a love story with a very strange twist. Love Object is the story of a very strange guy. Not strange like I’m strange, I mean on the verge of certifiably strange. Let me clarify that, I’m strange in the ‘hey, I don’t get why do you like those stupid movies’ way. This guy is strange in the ‘hey, why have you been staring at me without blinking for three hours’ way. See the difference? I thought you would.

Love Object is the story of Kenneth. Now Kenneth works at an instructional manual company, yes, it’s a company that writes all those instruction manuals that none of us ever read. Now, Ken is a relatively quiet guy who leans toward the weird, but he writes instruction manuals, what did you expect? Well, Ken secretly has a crush on a temp named Lisa, and begins obsessing over her. One day, Ken’s co-workers show him an ad for something called a ‘love doll’, and this doll can be made to look like anyone you want it to! So naturally Ken wants his to look like Lisa. Well, he gets his doll and names it Nikki and begins ‘dating’ it, not in a sexual way, they watch movies together, they have dinner together and they even have long discussions. Yes, you guessed it; Ken is beginning to lose it. So, eventually with the confidence he built by dating Nikki, Ken gets up the courage to ask Lisa out and, of course, Nikki gets jealous. The doll begins calling Ken at work and following him around… or so he thinks. To remedy the situation, Ken decides that he has to kill Nikki. And what do we all do when we’re tired of a doll and want to date real girls? Yep, you kill the doll. So, in a scene out of any murder movie you’ve seen, Ken hits Nikki, the doll, in the head and drags her in the bathroom and dismembers her, then puts the body parts in garbage bags and dumps her in a local dumpster.

So, now that he’s rid of the evil doll Ken’s free to be more involved with Lisa, but she isn’t exactly what Ken imagined. Lisa has a tattoo on her breast, she has a tongue piercing and she’s a little more aggressive sexually than the doll, which you wouldn’t think would be too hard. Ken is very disappointed, and begins to miss Nikki, and what do we all do when we’re disappointed in the real girl and miss the doll? Yep, dump the girl and get another doll, but it’s not that easy for Ken. You see, the doll Ken bought cost a few thousand dollars and who among us has that kind of money for two love dolls? That’s right, none of us. So, Ken does what any of us would do. If he can’t have the doll that looks like the girl, he’ll kidnap the girl and turn her into the doll.

Ken kidnaps Lisa and his plan is to drain her blood, embalm her and fill her with silicone and preservatives to turn her into the doll he misses so much. Now, I won’t tell you how this ends, but suffice it to say that it doesn’t end well, and it ends very differently than you’d expect. It’s called Love Object and it’s the perfect movie for that lonely Halloween night. After you see this, you’ll never look at those mannequins in the store the same way again!