Massacre (1987) – By Danny Runion

If you love “in-action” movies, this is the definitive movie of its kind. Why would I call it “in-action”? Firstly, if you think of a John Woo staged action scene, Massacre is 180° away from it. Second, I’ve seen better staged gunfights starring Elmer Fudd. The fight scenes are worse than two guys pushing each other. The old fights in Westerns that missed by two miles would be an improvement over what little action there is in this movie. When you start thinking William Shatner would do a better job than the star, Massacre is in serious trouble. Finally, they have at most two minutes of action strewn throughout the film’s entire run time.

David Heavener is the “star” of this movie. There has been a lot of Steven Segal bashing the past few years, but David Heavener somehow elevates Steven Segal to the level of Chow Yun-Fat. A couple reruns of Chuck Norris in Walker: Texas Ranger is a better use of time than David Heavener’s magnum opus. The 80s saw a huge number of cops on the edge: Nolte…Gibson…Stallone. You should notice David Heavener doesn’t grace that list. An action star loves to play the cop on the edge. Unfortunately, Heavener doesn’t do anything as heroic or crazy as the cop on the edge. He couldn’t act his way out of a wet shredded paper bag.

I always thought movies should definitely be interesting and actually have likeable characters. Apparently, this movie demonstrates that isn’t necessary when the lead actor has the all the charisma of a head of wilting cabbage. I wanted everyone in this movie to be eaten by flying piranhas or to suffer in some other horrible way to atone for me having to watch this fim. When the best part of the movie is the trailer preceding it for the Miles O’Keefe Civil War classic Blood and Honor, you know it is going to be long 90 minutes.

I’ve been thinking about the name of it. There really wasn’t a massacre in this movie. When you think Massacre, you think Texas Chainsaw. I think they took the spaces out of the title. It should be Mass Acre or M(y) Ass Acre. The first suggestion makes it sound like something to do with physics and land measurements. But, the second suggestion sounds more like an Acre of Ass, Which pretty accurately describes how much this movie sucked.