Memorial Valley Massacre (1988) – By Brian Morton

In the world of horror there are two types of movies, straight on horror movies and movies that pretend to be horror movies to get your money. Memorial Valley Massacre is one of the later, sadly.

This is the story of a new campground that’s opened in the back woods, in an area that’s still pristine, as nature intended. But, there’s one little catch with the happy Memorial Day festivities, it turns out that someone has been tampering with the campground to keep it from opening. Who could it be? Environmentalists? Terrorists? The Evil Anti-Camping Lobby? Nope, it’s a kid that’s been raised by wolves. That’s right, wolves.

Here’s the gist of it. The campground is being sabotaged but we’re letting people stay there anyway since its Memorial Day weekend. So, slowly, one by one, the campers begin to die. After a couple of murders, someone spots what they think is a caveman, and since this is California’s pristine wilderness, it seems plausible. Yes, that’s right, in the 80s we were all that gullible! So, one thing leads to another and a couple of people are killed, fake blood flows, bad acting ensues and we find out that the ‘caveman’ might actually be the long lost son of the camp ground’s head ranger.

I know, it makes no sense, but then not much about this movie does. It’s called Memorial Valley Massacre and it may be one of the worst things ever filmed! Seriously, even counting that reel of film that George Lucas shot with the lens cap on! So, until the next time we cross paths, remember never camp in the pristine wilderness, because there could be a kid out there raised by wolves, and also, that the best movies are bad movies.