Midget Zombie Takeover (2013) – By Philip Smolen

Amanda (Kristi McKay) has got the house to herself. Her mom and dad have just left to go visit her grandmother. So what’s a 20-something to do when her mom and dad go away? Donate time at the local soup kitchen? Yeah, right. Do volunteer work at the nearby hospital? Don’t think so. She’s going to call up seven of her lame-ass friends and have a hot tub party in the world’s smallest hot-tub! But things get off to a bummer of a start when a pudgy neighbor (Jonathan Hodges) warns them of the coming apocalypse. Sure enough a few minutes later, six very small, unkempt individuals show up and begin munching on the leg of one of Amanda’s friends. They lay siege to the house and Amanda now knows what her rotund neighbor was warning her about. It’s the zombie apocalypse and all of the monsters are midgets!

In the annals of the zombie film there are your masters like Romero, O’Bannon, and Snyder, and there are those who excel at zombie spoofs like Rueben Fleischer and Jonathan Levine. Well cinemagoers, say hello to Glenn Berggoetz whose new film “Midget Zombie Takeover” might be the crowning achievement in moron movies

With a film title like this, you know what to expect going in. And though the film is self-knowingly stupid, there is, unfortunately, little here to recommend even for zombie film mavens. There’s no balance and skill to the satire. There’s very little wit and every scene is filmed in the same unimaginative way. After the first few minutes, the entire film consists of these four types of scenes:

1. The group talks in the basement while two people decide to try something
3. The two leave the basement and slowly skulk around the house
4. A zombie suddenly appears and kills someone by biting them on their leg
5. The other person runs back to the basement to tell the others what happened

Perhaps the worst aspect of the movie is that Berggoetz, whose previous films include “The Worst Movie Ever” (2011) (no kidding, that’s its title) fails to instill any life to any of the zombie attacks. They’re all dull, non-gory and not the slightest bit frightening. Even the zombie makeup is bad. Now I know that Berggoetz only had $2000 to make his film (which is an achievement in its own right), but a zombie film should at least have imaginative looking zombies.

There are two funny moments in the film; one involving a zombie getting to second base and another that I’ll call “Death by Fat Guy.” And I also must admit that the film did inspire me. While watching it I came up with the “Midget Zombie Takeover” drinking game. If you ever have to watch this movie, make sure you have your favorite alcoholic beverage nearby, and every time someone in the cast says “There, There”, take a drink. By the end of the movie’s 73 minutes, you won’t be feeling any pain.

Zombie spoofs can be a blast. It’s too bad that “Midget Zombie Takeover” is devoid of humor, intelligence and charm. Here’s hoping that Glenn Berggoetz gets a much bigger budget along with a clever script for his next production.

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