The Van (1977) - By Matt Singer

Film Reviews: The Van (1977) - By Matt Singer
Posted on Friday, December 31, 2004 @ 23:05:00 Mountain Standard Time by Duane

A Dollar Store in the mall does not sound like an ideal place to find movies. But at most of these stores you can find classic films for just a buck; for instance, a classic about an incredible crime-fighting wagon aptly named SUPERVAN. There’s just one catch. Buy SUPERVAN at a dollar store and you’ll likely end up with a choppy, hacked up version of a film entitled THE VAN. Yes, that’s right. When you buy a film for a dollar you run the risk of getting a completely different film than the one you asked for. In fairness, it’s easy to confuse a movie about a Supervan with one about a really big, but fairly mediocre, van. Thankfully, if you watch THE VAN (also available under its proper title from camp masters Rhino) you’ll get a ridiculous trip to the hard-driving, hard-loving decade of the 1970s where the bigger your van, the better your love life.

The owner of the titular van is Bobby. He just graduated high school and works at the car wash (at the car wash, yeah!). Bobby’s life is a series of increasingly pathetic episodes. The opening credits find him bouncing up and down in his car like a moron to “Chevy Van,” playing on the soundtrack. At his job, his foot gets caught in the car wash, and he gets dragged through, soaked, then stripped of all his clothes. That debacle is sandwiched between a hilarious session of poking Danny DeVito in the ass with a needle and a meeting with a car salesman with the fashion sense of Colonel Sanders where he buys his fantastically amazing van. All in all, a good day for Bobby.

This van, by the way, is bright yellow, with several phallic arrows painted on the side, with the phrase Straight Arrow sprawled across each side. The back half of the van is hollowed out and the walls are covered with shag carpeting, and additional features include a waterbed, a mirrored ceiling, and a toaster. A toaster! I'm guessing the toaster wasn’t standard.

In the world of THE VAN, a fine lookin’ van is vehicular Spanish fly. The hottest woman in town is shacked up with a bully named Duggan, simply because he has big van. The man is a jerk, a drunk, and has a mole the size of Alaska on his left arm. But he’s got a van, so women are helpless to resist his oily charm. Bobby ends up alone after a failed date and ends up peeping on Duggan’s lady from his van. She catches him, but she sleeps with him anyway. The van comes with a toaster, but not self-respect.

There isn’t really more to the plot than what’s revealed in THE VAN’s title. In the same way BREAKIN’ 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO manages to tie every single human concept into break dancing, THE VAN manages to include vans in every scene. Lovers walk hand-in-hand at the beach, but instead of going swimming, they admire they dozens of customized vans parked in rows along the edge of the water. The film ends in a AMERICAN GRAFFITI-style drag race, but with vans. Can you feel the excitement people?

Once Bobby buys his van he doesn’t go to work, or sleep, or eat. He just drives in his van, cruising for chicks. This movie takes place in the 1970s. Wasn’t there an oil crisis? Given his gas-guzzling ways, I’m inclined to suspect Bobby was the main reason for the shortage.

Like other classics of cinema, THE BICYCLE THIEF for example, you don’t just watch THE VAN; the complex images it presents stir questions that bring the viewer deeper into the moviegoing experience. As I watched THE VAN, I pondered the meaning of life and other important queries like “Why is ‘Chevy Van’ played a dozen times on the soundtrack?” and “Why did Danny DeVito agree to start in THE VAN? Did he have gambling debts?” “Are women really attracted to big yellow vans?” and "Can I afford to buy a big yellow van?"