Conan the Destroyer (1984) - By Matt Singer

Film Reviews: Conan the Destroyer (1984) - By Matt Singer
Posted on Monday, February 28, 2005 @ 23:00:00 Mountain Standard Time by Duane

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a bad rap as an actor. Because he's lived in this country for over thirty years and still has his grinding Austrian accent, and because for years he never appeared in anything requiring him to display any human emotions besides bloodlust, he is perceived as a talentless muscleman.

This is unfair. When you watch as many Schwarzenegger movies as I have, you come to appreciate just how far he's come; how expressive and powerful his use of his face is, his talent for a range of comedy, from broad physical slapstick to dry wit. Back in 1976's Stay Hungry the man was barely convincing playing an professional bodybuilder from Austria.

That said, if you want to see why Schwarzenegger has that bad reputation, you won't find a better example than his genuinely awful performance in Conan The Destroyer. The first Conan picture, directed by military enthusiast John Milius, is a deadly serious picture about all the grand themes a manly man like Milius is interested in; mortality, war, honor, revenge, things like that. Arnold plays it very straight, says very little, and looks every bit the savage barbarian. The second Conan picture directed by Richard Fleischer is as silly as the first is serious. The change in tone lets Arnold show off his range, which at this stage in his career, is like a blind person showing off his marksmanship.

Schwarzenegger's performance have always risen to the level of his co-stars. When they work with him and his unique energy, things usually turn out well. It takes a talented actor or actress to push up against him and test him (This is a guy, after all, who loves to compete). So what master thespian does Schwarzenegger share the screen with in Conan The Destroyer? None other than Wilt Chamberlain. The chemistry between the two is about as stiff as my neck after I sat through all of Titanic in the front row of the theater.

Arnold isn't really even acting at this point, he's posing. As Conan he has four poses, all involving his massive sword (which he wields with impressive skill): drawn out directly in front of him, held at the side with both hands, held at eye level with both hands, and held at the side with one hand with the other hand outstretched toward the enemy. Schwarzenegger likes this last pose as lot; he uses it many times when he leaps out from behind enemies while screaming "YARGRUH!" which I think loosely translates from Austrian to English as "Pardon me sir, while I eviscerate you. Where would you like your remains sent?"

If everyone wasn't so terrified that Arnold would tear the flesh from their bones, someone would have told him how ridiculous this material is. The man is required to galavant around the countryside in tiny fur underwear (replete with titanic codpiece), with a tan so orange it would give Robert Evans pause. Since everyone knows blinking makes you look weak in a scene, Schwarzenegger never blinks and whenever possible he does the opposite, opening his eyes as wide as possible, bulging them out as if he smells something fowl in the air and he's trying to swat it away with his sword.

The relentless ass kicking is in the service of a story where Conan agrees to help a Queen regain a jewel and a horn and some other crap, in exchange for her help in returning Conan's lost love to life. Hilariously, the narration has to tell us that "Conan mourned his lost Valeria" since Schwarzenegger himself is incapable of visualizing that sort of intense grief on-screen. Conan doesn't get his lady back, but he does fight a god and win. Yes, Schwarzenegger beats the crap out of a god. No wonder this guy thinks he can be President.

The grunting, the posing, the "YARGRUH!"ing, it's all in good fun, especially when the cutaways in the film are to Wilt Chamberlain in a gigantic dreadlocks wig (trying look to like he's scheming, but mostly looking like he's trying to do long division in his head) and Grace Jones in a buzz cut. Schwarzenegger's next film was The Terminator, where James Cameron harnessed the actor's difficulty with emotion by making him play a robot. He was off and running after that, and getting better and better too. But back in Conan The Destroyer? Yeah, he totally sucked.