Monsturd (2003) – By Duane L. Martin

Toxic waste, chemical sludge, biological experiments, these are the origins of more b-movie monsters than you can imagine, and Monsturd is no exception. In this case, the whole turd monster situation comes about when an unscrupulous scientist dumps his experimental bacterial sludge into a storm drain in the middle of town at just about the same time that an escaped serial killer named Jack Schmidt (get it?) runs into the sewers to escape the cops. Bad move on his part of course since during the chase he fell into a pit of the sludge and basically has his body melted and fused with the bacteria, which turned him into a great big turd monster. Sound familiar? Sure, but that doesn’t really mean anything, because so many movies are based on the same types of premises that each one has to have the ability to stand on its own, despite it’s similarity in theme to other films.

The Monsturd story is actually just that…a story, being told by a young girl to her father. See, she wanted to hear a bedtime story and he told her to tell him one instead for a change…so she did. The whole thing takes place in Butte County and involves the FBI, the local sheriff’s office, an entymologist from the college, an evil scientist, and of course a turd monster. Pretty vivid imagination that kid’s got isn’t it? Probably rotted her brain watching public television or something.

The whole story is about people getting killed by the monster and the law enforcement people trying to figure out a way to stop it. That’s like, the entire plot. The funny thing is, the best parts in this movie were actually two “encounter” segments where people got killed. The first was a part where this chick (a pretty hot one actually) named Rachel (Lisa Rein) was going ape…uh, doo doo because her husband hadn’t cleaned the toilet down in his play room and after he let all his buddies use it it was stinkin’ up the house. So he goes down there to clean it. Let me tell you, he became a doo doo warrior in that bathroom! He was plungin’ and scrubbin’ with a vengeance, and all the while his wife was bitching him out at the top of her lungs and cuttin’ up carrots with a big ol’ knife. Gee, that’s not a little symbolism there is it? Anyway, the turd monster came out and killed him. He actually deserved it because he was kind of an idiot, but still, she kept bitching and finally called the cops for some odd reason because he disappeared into the bathroom and never came out. So the cops came and found him dead on the floor, and a message written in poo on the wall that said, “Don’t get caught with your pants down.”

The other really funny encounter was when a little girl (Cammie Stangel) came out and had this interaction with her father (who oddly enough was her real life father Peter Stangel):

Girl: “Daddy, there’s a giant doo doo in the bathroom.”

Daddy: “Yeah I’m really proud of you honey.”

Girl: “But I didn’t make it daddy. It came out of the bathroom and started saying bad words. I’m scared.”

Daddy: “There’s nothin’ to be scared of honey. #2’s can’t talk.”

That was one of the bits of dialogue that had me really laughing. That was hilarious, and the fact that right before that the father was sitting on the couch drinking a beer and watching a South Park spoof with Mr. Spanky the Easter Poo. That in and of itself was really funny.

There was one other really stupid but funny interaction between Tom (the sheriff played by Paul Weiner) and a really damn hot waitress (played by Dalia Vidor) at the coffee shop:

Waitress: “How about takin’ a dozen glazed old fashioned when you go? I know Dan and Rick like ’em.”

Tom: “How about you sit on my face and make me look like a glazed donut? Ain’t no cop worth his badge that doesn’t take your donuts home honey.”

Waitress: “Anytime honey!”

I’d also like to mention that all the women in this movie were “regular girl” hot. By that I mean that they were really hot, but they had a regular girl look to them, like they’d be approachable. I love that look, because it’s like they’re really hot, but they don’t walk around with their nose in the air like they know they’re really hot. They just act like normal people, which makes them all the more appealing.

Monsturd is a comedy, but most of it is more amusing than it is laugh out loud funny. There are some really funny parts to the movie, but most of it is just kinda rides along at “smile level.” What I mean by that is, it’s more amusing than funny when you’re watching it alone…as I did…at about 7am in the morning…after a crappy night’s sleep. The thing is, Monsturd is actually what I would call a “buddy movie”. When you watch it alone it’s a pretty fun movie, but if you watch it with some good friends, some good pizza, and some good alcoholic beverages, it’s going to be a lot more fun than it would be watching it alone.

The DVD itself has some great extras including a full length commentary track, a behind the scenes featurette, and a trailer for the movie.

If you’d like to find out more about this film and / or pick yourself up a copy, you can see the trailers and get all the info at the 4321 Films Website.