Movie Crossovers – By Danny Runion

For decades, movie fans have pondered and debated which movie characters are the toughest. Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein ends in a free-for-all between Count Dracula battling the Wolfman. However, with the proliferation of cheaply made sequels created to cash in on the popularity of their far more famous preceding movies, a question needs to be asked. Why not try to combine other movie series together for battle movies? Recently, filmgoers have been given the answers to who is the top killing machine between Aliens Versus Predator and the more slasher-specific Freddy Versus Jason. After all, Full Moon Entertainment had been using that idea for more than a decade with the number of Puppet Master and Demonic Toy movies.

After last month’s trying to envision a movie version of the American Revolution that makes Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor seems to be completely realistic, could I develop some truly lame crossover movies? Hollywood writers can continually rehash movies and try to merge movies together. They get paid for those ideas however bad they may be. They may need drugs for bad ideas. However, my ideas come from sleep deprivation and sugar rushes. A final note, I have not ever received a single cent from Rhinestone Zombie or any of these other ideas.

1. I Will Always Know Who To Bring It On To

This movie combines the electrifying terror of I Know What You Did Last Summer, the cheerleading antics of Bring It On, and ending a title in a preposition that is bound to anger all the English teachers in the world. A hook handed fisherman chases after a flock, gaggle, or whatever a group of cheerleaders is called. Randomly, the cheerleaders will stop and perform their hip-hop dance routines. Will they be able to evade the killer fisherman and reach the state championships to defeat their cross-town arch-rivals? Just wait for the tagline. I know you’re perky…

2. Rhinestone Zombie

A famous singer (Jessica Simpson) makes a bet with her manager that she can train anyone to be a successful country singer to break her contract. The unscrupulous manager (Steve Buscemi) raises a down on his luck cabbie (Vin Diesel) from the dead to become a zombie for his nefarious choice. Can she train this zombie to sing, curb his inhuman bloodlust, and fall in love with him all at the same time?

3. Pirates of the Cyberspace: Dead Man’s I-Pod

A small-time former music downloader and extremely fey-looking, W1Ll TUrN3r, must find the legendary Captain Download, impersonating a confused Axl Rose. Together, they attempt to rescue W1Ll’s girlfriend from the villainous, Copyright Extension Agency. In their pirate adventures, they must face unspeakable horror of the Het-Kraken-field to find the hidden I-Pod of Lars Ulrich. By the way, a random monkey is just shot to be shown as unkillable by continually returning from the dead.

4. Chopping MallRats

The idea of combining the typical 1980s horror movie with the Kevin Smith styled characters hanging out in a mall is a blank check signed by Bill Gates. Watch as Jay and Silent Bob must battle slow moving security kill bots. Cheer as various 80s Coreys’ (such as Corey Haim and Corey Feldman) are randomly slaughtered. Groove to the 80s styled chase montages featuring music from such greats as Cutting Crew and Huey Lewis and the News.

Stay tuned for when I try to come up with an idea for My Fair Lady Frankenstein.