This summer has so many sequels being released. It has gotten to the point no one can think of a single movie that isn’t a sequel, remake, or re-imagining. Those movies may be filled with celebrities but with lame plots. Why go to a theater filled with derivative lame movie sequels when you can get completely insane derivative sequels without having to go to a theater, pay $10 for a medium diet coke, or have to sit near the guy who’s on his cell phone more than a 16 year old girl talking about her date by just reading my deranged ramblings on a computer screen?
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Hilarity ensues when the pilot of an airliner dies mid-flight. This isn’t hilarity because the plane is full of nuns or little old ladies heading to Hawaii. It’s a plane full of convicts. Now former army Ranger, Nicholas Cage, must land the plane with only John Cusack and a computer digitized Lloyd Bridges to give him instructions on how not to crash. When airplane steward, John Malkovitch as Cyrus the Botulism, starts slapping around the master criminal Betty White, you know that true hilarity ensues…
Dirty Harry and the Hendersons
This is a touching story of a family that accidentally runs over Clint Eastwood, the legendary Dirty Harry. While the family tries to adjust to Dirty Harry shooting at the mailman and having wacky adventures with a few hi-jinks sprinkled about, they must also keep an assassin hired by a crime family away from ensuring the Dirty Harry uses Absolute Power and his Magnum Force unlike a Rookie to keep him from joining the ranks of the Dead Pool.
Jaws X: In Space
The government is sick of having to contend with an angry giant great white shark attacking people and swimming from the Eastern seaboard all the way to the Caribbean in 5 1/2 minutes. The only plan that is possible is to lure Jaws with a bikini clad federal agent (Jessica Alba, could I ever do one of these articles without mentioning her?) and then cryogenically freeze him and accidentally her, too. Unfortunately, the cold temperature is more pronounced on Jessica Alba which causes all men to just stare at her rather than actually blowing the giant frozen guppy which would offend animal rights activists. They decide on putting the frozen Jaws instead of a place like a desert but place him in a swimming pool. Several hundred years later, after the Earth has been ecologically ruined into the wasteland filled with gangs roaming the post apocalyptic ruins. The reanimated Jessica Alba who is still in her bikini must battle the reawakened Jaws that has been surgically augmented with nanites.
Muppets From Space Odyssey 2001
Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, and Sam the Eagle are sent on a space ship to explore a mysterious monolith on the moon. After the computer malfunctions and eliminates Miss Piggy and Sam the Eagle. Kermit the Frog is remembered for his classic line "Open the pod bay doors, FOZZY…" The movie ends with the hallucinogenic ending inspired by Stanley Kubrick. The trippy ending reveals that Kermit metamorphoses into the Swedish Chef. Uhern-de-fern-de-fern-fern…
Santa Claus 3: the Escape to Witch Mountain
A pair of siblings sneaks aboard Santa Claus’s sled. After reaching the North Pole, Santa discovers the witchly duo. They plead with him to take them to Witch Mountain. Finally, he agrees but has to evade the government radar detection system that has identified Santa’s slay as a hostile enemy aircraft. Can Santa take the kids to Witch Mountain while insuring he doesn’t get a heat seeker up Rudolph’s tailpipe or down Blitzen’s crankshaft?