Movie Mashups: 14 Jason Goes to Field of Screams – By Danny Runion

As Dr. Frankenstein would sew corpses together; I try to fuse severed pieces of movies together. Strangely enough, his monstrous creations are so similar to my nightmarish deranged ideas. Though, I happen to be luckier in avoiding angry torch-carrying European villagers destroying Germanic castles. We get these infamous movie mash-ups. While waiting for my epic beach volleyball masterpiece to be developed, just imagine Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel playing beach volleyball in slow-motion. You’ll just have to wait for that glorious concept by entertaining yourself with some of my other ideas at this point.

Die Hard-bodies

Bruce Willis is John McClane in his biggest challenge ever. While going to renew his driver’s license, he realizes that terrorists led by Han Gruber’s second cousin’s nephew’s half-brother are in the next line over. Unfortunately, he’s not carrying his gun. The security guard won’t listen. McClane does have one advantage a group of older guys who think battling terrorists will improve their reputations enough to impress the younger ladies. Can McClane teach them to be butt-kicking wise-cracking heroes in time to still get his license before the DMV closes? Can the terrorists be stopped before completing their nefarious scheme after they can drive to where their nefarious scheme will be implemented? Can John’s apprentices learn that going to bars and using "I really did stop a group of terrorists from attacking the DMV" as a pickup line is completely ridiculous?

Hellboyz in the Hood

Ron Perlman once again dons the shaved horns as Hellboy. However, this is an alternate reality version not based on the original movie. The federal government due to budget cuts has to close the Bureau of Paranormal Defense. Abe Sapien is moved to Sea World to wear a fake dolphin suit and impersonate Flipper. However, Hellboy is shipped to the West Coast. More precisely, he is sent to live in Compton. After displaying his "Red Right Hand," Hellboy is tempted by the local gang to be inducted. As he ponders what to do with his life, he is still drawn into saving humanity from paranormal monsters besides the horror of Brittany Spears. Should Hellboy join a gang or continue to battle the forces of evil that encompass South Central LA?

Stranger in a Strange Land of the Minotaur

Too many movies have been fused together into incomprehensible messes; this is the fusion of the Robert Heinlein science fiction novel with mythology. By the way, this is a complete incomprehensible mess from novel and movie. Valentine Michael Smith, the man raised by Martians without any knowledge of humanity has been brought back to Earth. However, he accidentally found himself trapped in the maze of the Minotaur. Can this Martian-raised human teach the Minotaur love, water-sharing, and grokking before he’s barbecued over a flaming spit? After converting the Minotaur, the two begin explaining their philosophy to others to convert them. Most people can’t help but think it is completely insane even if you do start to gain telekinetic abilities. With a cast that includes Tom Cruise as the Minotaur, the theaters will be all abuzz when he jumps the couch to celebrate.