Still no news from Hollywood on my idea of the slow-motion Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel as beach volleyballers with Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson as sideline referees in the greatest beach volleyball epic trilogy ever. I’ll just have to piece other movies together much like Dr Frankenstein created his monster with hopefully far less angry villagers in hot pursuit. Once again a handful of movies are Brundleflyed together lacking only the Croneberg’s telepods to create a horrifying mutant. The question remains only how mutated can I turn these movies.
Clear and Present Danger: Diabolik: Jack Ryan, the hero of Tom Clancy novels" is back once more for his greatest challenge. The CIA agent is requested to aid various European countries intelligence agencies to capture that continent’s greatest thief: a man known only as Diabolik. Each scene with Jack Ryan will alternate between all the actors who played Jack Ryan in the other movies: Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford, and alas even unfortunately Ben Affleck. However, Harrison Ford will always be the voice. While Diabolik steals precious pieces of art, Jack Ryan rages against the corrupt and inept bureaucracies when he’s not screaming "Get Down!!! Get Down!!!" The intrepid master thief is stealing art from priceless statues to even black velvet paintings of dogs playing poker. Is there a method to his madness or will the biggest heist of the century be of a black velvet painting of Elvis?
Next of Kindergarten Cop: Some people said crossing Next of Kin with Kindergarten Cop was a terrible idea but were probably the same kind of people who don’t believe the world is spherical. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson fills in for Arnie in this sequel. After teacher Arnie was driven insane by the children of mobsters, the Rock (with a Suthern accent that makes everyone on the Dukes of Hazzard sound Northern) has come to take his place. As he deals with these spoiled kids, he slowly starts to teach them to be more respectable. The mobster fathers don’t appreciate the new teacher’s techniques. However, they try to layeth the smack down on the Rock but are going to learn the true meaning of revenge if you smell what the Rock is cooking.
Soylent Green Berets: John Wayne is leading an elite group of soldiers in the front lines. He discovers that the enemy isn’t the greatest danger after butting against a smug fellow officer, Charleston Heston. Unfortunately, he discovers that the washouts are being recycled back into the system as Soylent Green C-Rations. Can the truth be revealed in time? Of course, the end credits could only roll to a song sung by Sgt. Barry Sadler who gave us the original "Ballad of the Green Beret" song.