Movie Mashups 19 – By Danny Runion

Once more onto the breach with ideas that are deranged enough to have come from the mind that gave us 50 killer shark and killer snake movies of the past few years but without the pay or respect. Separated from reality and coherence by a restraining order for another month has brought me more twisted ideas for movies. I’ll be honest none of these ideas sound brilliant or even belong in the same hemisphere of tolerable. For some reason, you would think there could be a limit to the number of movie plots that could be developed by fusing multiple movies together with a cerebral Brundlefly teleporter. Sleep deprivation and a loose connection to reality are the only things needed to come up with these ideas. However, it is time to continue assailing Hollywood with these twisted movie concoctions.

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At the Brokenback Mountains of Madness

Somewhere, HP Lovecraft would be spinning in his coffin over this truly frightening idea. On a small backwater planet, in a miserable dimension, Cthulu and Dagon have to tend the 1,000 spawn of Shub Niggurath. As the millennium passes, they start to realize their growing affection for each other. Cthulu is still drawn to his urge to crush mankind in an unspeakable nightmarish vision of chaos colored in blood and sounded in the screams of the innocent. While Dagon has nothing against any nightmarish visions of colored in blood and screams of the innocent, he would rather keep tending the spawn of Shub Niggurath with Cthulu in their own private vista away from the human world of Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, and more of John and Kate plus 18. Ang Lee directs this movie exactly like he’s trying to do a sequel to the Hulk with all the gimmick camera angles.

I Will Always Know Who To Bring It On To

This movie combines the electrifying terror of I Know What You Did Last Summer, the cheerleading antics of Bring It On, the number of vapidly insipid and brain-draining cheerleaders just keeps increasing from all the MTV shows, and ending a title in a preposition that is bound to anger all the 8th Grade English teachers of the world. A hook-handed fisherman chases after a flock, gaggle, or whatever a group of cheerleaders is called. Randomly, the cheerleaders will stop and perform their hip-hop dance routines. Will they be able to evade the killer fisherman and reach the state championships to defeat their cross-town arch-rivals? Just wait for the tagline. I know you’re perky…

Purple Reign of Fire

The world has been falling farther and farther into a nightmarish realm since dragons have started attacking people around the world. Does the world have some heroes left? The Artist Formerly Known as Prince or as a Strange Symbol has discovered he can wield his funky shaped guitar to slay dragons. He is joined by shaven-headed Chris Kattan leading a small band of commandos in commando missions against the dragons. Can these heroes unite for one mission that will free the world without killing each other first? The soundtrack will of course include the future classic songs "When Dragons Fry" and "Dragon Nikki."

Texas Chainsaw Massacre in Rome

Leatherface and his family have decided to take a vacation from the backwoods of Texas. They decide to go travel somewhere new and decide that Italy is the place. Leatherface had a hard time getting his chainsaw in his carry-on luggage. Cannibal serial killers have all kind of wacky problems in foreign countries like dealing with buying liters of gas for their chainsaws. On a tour of the Roman Coliseum, Leatherface spots Marilyn Burns. The chase is on can the finest screamer in the world evade the deranged family who really want to taste test if human flesh is better al dente with an Alfredo sauce