Once more onto the breach with ideas that are deranged enough to have come from the mind that gave us 50 killer shark and killer snake movies of the past few years but without the pay or respect. Too many people automatically assume they’re the reincarnation of Ernest Hemmingway or even think that they’re superior to the screenwriters from Scary Movie 2. For some reason, you would think there could be a limit to the number of movie plots that could be devloped by fusing multiple movies together with a cerebral Brundlefly teleporter. Sleep deprivation and a loose connection to reality are the only things needed to come up with these ideas. Well, maybe some will develop Dirty Harry and the Chamber of Secrets.
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Apocalpyse Now You See Him Now You Don’t
An invisible Steve Guttenberg, who keeps peeking into women’s gym locker rooms, is sent on a mission to kill the deranged Colonel Kurtz (a computer generated Marlon Brando). No one will forget when Tackleberry from the Police Acadmey movies delivers the immortal quote "I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like….victory…" Some may think replacing Martin Sheen with Steve Guttenberg is complete insanity. However, it is demonstrating the dichotomy of casting a superior actor with one who is known for starring in Can’t Stop the Music or the casting director was Guttenberg’s cousin that will be best remembered..
Iron Giant Spider Invasion
What’s worse than a spider the size of a Volkswagen Beetle rampaging through a small town? A spider the size of a tank rampaging through that town would be worse. Since Alan Hale Jr can’t return, Bob Uecker will play the part of the jovial sheriff who answers the phone and makes stale jokes that’s humor died in the mid 1960s. Larry the Cable Guy has been contacted to play the redneck farmer that discovers the meteor impact. He discovers that saying "Git R dunnnnnnnnnnnn" doesn’t stop the giant spider from gitting him digested…
Jaws X: In Space
The government is sick of having to contend with an angry giant great white shark attacking people and swimming from the Eastern seaboard all the way to the Caribbean in 5 1/2 minutes. The only plan that is possible is to lure Jaws with a bikini clad federal agent (Jessica Alba, could I ever do one of these articles without mentioning her?) and then cryogenically freeze him and accidentally her, too. Unfortunately, the cold temperature is more pronounced on Jessica Alba which causes all men to just stare at her rather than actually blowing the giant frozen guppy which would offend animal rights activists. They decide on putting the frozen Jaws instead of a place like a desert but place him in a swimming pool. Several hundred years later, after the Earth has been ecologically ruined into the wasteland filled with gangs roaming the post apocalyptic ruins. The reanimated Jessica Alba who is still in her bikini must battle the reawakened Jaws that has been surgically augmented with nanites.
My Fair Lady Terminator
Rex Harrison takes a young confused woman who possesses a Bobbitting man-removing internal organ and trains her to be an unstoppable killing machine. My Fair Lady Terminator will also spontaneously break into songs like "doe is a deer, a female deer…" as she starts to gun down people in a homage to James Cameron movies. Learning to "hasta la vista, baby" is another trick for one confused android who really doesn’t appreciate when people use the soup spoon inappropriately.