Movie Mashups 33 – By Danny Runion

The soon coming summer movie season has enough sequels being released. It has gotten to the point no one can think of a single movie that isn’t a sequel, remake, or re-imagining. Those movies may be filled with celebrities but with lame plots. Why go to a theater filled with derivatively lame movie sequels when you can get completely insane derivative sequels without having to go to a theater, pay $10 for a medium diet coke, or have to sit near the guy who’s on his cell phone more than a 16 year old girl talking about her date? Separated from reality and coherence by a restraining order for another month has brought me more twisted ideas for movies.

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"Jaws X: In Space"

The government is sick of having to contend with an angry giant great white shark attacking people and swimming from the Eastern seaboard all the way to the Caribbean in 5 1/2 minutes. The only plan that is possible is to lure Jaws with a bikini clad federal agent (Jessica Alba) and then cryogenically freeze him and accidentally her, too. Unfortunately, the cold temperature is more pronounced on Jessica Alba which causes all men to just stare at her rather than actually blowing the giant frozen guppy which would offend animal rights activists. They decide on putting the frozen Jaws instead of a place like a desert but place him in a swimming pool. Several hundred years later, after the Earth has been ecologically ruined into the wasteland filled with gangs roaming the post apocalyptic ruins. The reanimated Jessica Alba who is still in her bikini state must battle the reawakened Jaws that has been surgically augmented with nanites.

"Spiderman in the Iron Mask"

In France, a tyrannical leader has terrorized the population for a generation. The people still have hoped that that the heir of the dead King Benjamin will return one day. The small surviving band of the musketeers is still searching for the missing heir. They finally learn that in a dark and dank prison cell lives a man in an iron mask. However, he’s not just a man in an iron mask. This is a Spiderman in the Iron Mask.

"Stranger in a Strange Land of the Minotaur"

Too many movies have been fused together into incomprehensible messes, this is the fusion of the Robert Heinlein science fiction novel with mythology. By the way, this is a complete incomprehensible mess from novel and movie. Valentine Michael Smith, the man raised by Martians without any knowledge of humanity has been brought back to Earth. However, he accidentally found himself trapped in the maze of the Minotaur. Can this maritan-raised human teach the Minotaur love, water-sharing, and grokking before he’s barbecued over a flaming spit? After converting the Minotaur, the two begin explaining their philosophy to others to convert them. Most peopel can’t help but think it is completely insane even if you do start to gain telekinetic abilities. With a cast that includes Tom Cruise as the Minotaur, the theaters will be all abuzz when he jumps the couch to celebrate.

"THX-113-Eight Men Out"

You may be a "Star Wars" fan. However, the biggest secret is about to be revealed. A secret will shock everyone and everything so much that even the magnetic poles will reverse in surprise. The world will be shocked by this tale of how George Lucas and actors were bribed by Steven Spielberg to tank "Star Wars: Episodes 1-3. Your heart strings will be pulled when a small boy asks "Shoeless" George Lucas to say it ain’t so that Jar Jar was actually meant to be funny, and George walks away even smaller than before…