Welcome back to where a lack of coherence or even talent aren’t required or even necessary. In fact, those are weaknesses in the realm of trying to create truly warped movie ideas. Well, with so many horror movie remakes, the world could do with the knowledge that worse movies could be released upon them. Once again, none of my demented ideas are being unleashed to a theater near you. I’ll have to develop a few more of my deranged ideas.
At the Brokeback Mountains of Madness – Somewhere, HP Lovecraft would be spinning in his coffin over this truly frightening idea. On a small backwater planet, in a miserable dimension, Cthulu and Dagon have to tend the 1,000 spawn of Shub Niggurath. As the millennium passes, they start to realize their growing affection for each other. Cthulu is still drawn to his urge to crush mankind in an unspeakable nightmarish vision of chaos colored in blood and sounded in the screams of the innocent. While Dagon has nothing against any nightmarish visions of colored in blood and screams of the innocent, he would rather keep tending the spawn of Shub Niggurath with Cthulu in their own private vista away from the human world of Morton Downey Jr., Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan. Ang Lee directs this movie exactly like he’s trying to do a sequel to the Hulk with the gimmicky camera angles.
Howard’s End of Days – A stuffy English Butler (Anthony Hopkins) takes a vacation in New York City. Almost immediately, he is being chased by a deranged cult. This cult of myopic devil worshippers mistake him for a woman they believe will give birth to Antichrist. The cult is sure that the English Dude looks like a lady. The only hope the butler has is Arnold who is the obligatory cop on the edge. As Arnold starts to realize how dangerous the cult is, he must also face Gabriel Byrne who loves to transform into a sandworm from Arrakis, Dune, the desert planet.
Maximum Over the Top – A trucker (Sylvester Stallone) winds up at a truck stop right as the machines rebel against humanity. What semi can compete against Sly’s massive guns? A logical question would be how an arm wrestler can stop killer machines. Stephen King is directing this attempted remake of Maximum Overdrive. While many things have been changed in this re-imagining, it will still have Yeardley Smith screaming "Curtisssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!" Maximum Overdrive has the original AC-DC soundtrack with additional tracks of Sylvester Stallone singing songs from Over the Top.
Superman’s Best Friend – Clark Kent is investigating an animal research lab. Unfortunately, Lex Luther (Lance Henriksen) is experimenting on a unique dog he found. Clark Kent rescues the dog and gives it to Lois Lane (played by Ally Sheedy). After the dog, name Krypto, mauls Jimmy Olsen, Clark Kent realizes there is something strange about the dog. Desperately, Lex is trying to create kryptonite Alpo. Finally, Clark realizes the dog has to be from Krypton. The question is how can Superman stop a dog that can fly has ice breath and heat vision in this touching homage to Old Yeller.
Toys Story – Scientists have calculated a way to generate loads of money. First, you’ll be thinking there was a Disney/Pixar movie Toy Story. Well, I never would use a previously released movie for any attempt at humor. Barry Levinson directed Toys. Do you remember the movie with Robin Williams and LL Cool J from the mid 90s? A movie so atrocious thousands of people gouged grapefruit spoons into their heads to escape that movie. Well, the idea is to take the script and use Pixar to create the entire computer animation based on that movie. The world needs a creepy computer animated version of Robin Williams and needs it now…