Movie Mashups 7: The New Blood – By Danny Runion

Separated from reality and coherence by a restraining order for another month has brought me more twisted ideas for movies. I’ll be honest none of these ideas sound brilliant or even belong in the same hemisphere of tolerable. However, none of my ideas can be as ridiculous as the second derivative direct-to-video movies by some fly-by-night companies. I do have to admit, American PI is growing on me.

American PI: Jim is a mathematical genius and truly loves his mom’s hot steaming apple pie. As he tries to develop a formula to calculate the probability of getting to third base on Prom night, his friends have wacky shenanigans. Stifler is accidentally caught when he tries re-enacting a gag from Porky’s and must endure the wrath of Coach Beulah Ballbreaker (Eugene Levy in drag). Jim becomes more frustrated by his lack of success with the Ursula, the busty Swedish exchange student. As the formulas and variables come easier to Jim, he starts to realize the profound equation is far more reaching than he ever imagined…

Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning of the End A military experiment to use giant insects against enemy countries was tested at Crystal Lake. Unfortunately, the giant grasshoppers have escaped and are attacking everyone in the immediate vicinity. Jason Voorhees has just be reanimated again and readies to wield his machete against a new group of camp counselors until discovering they have been eaten by giant grasshoppers. Now, everyone’s favorite hockey-masked clad undead zombie has the greatest challenge of his career. Should he let the grasshoppers destroy everyone and take away his only hobby besides scrap-booking? Should Jason wield his machete in service of humanity to save them so he can kill them later?

Hellboy who Cried Werewolf: When the 6 year old Hellboy encounters a werewolf no one believes him but his buddy Abe Sapien. Hellboy has to gather clues for Abe to decipher who the werewolf is. However, in the mid 1950s, the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense is more concerned with ending magical Cold War that has been heating up once and for all. As more agents disappear, no one really considers it a concern except for our monstrous duo that will have to climb the walls of power to end the reign of power and terror of one werewolf who sits in a high seat of power: Senator Joseph McCarthy.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow Never Dies: Sky Captain has more than an army of robots and dinosaurs to battle as he teams up with James Bond who seems more to romancing the eye-patched Angelina Jolie than trying to save the world. As hundreds of robots attack cities all over the world, Sky Captain has to contend with James Bond who insists this never happened to the other guy. The mystery of why Q has been kidnapped by a mysterious villain is only the tip of the iceberg which will plunge these 2 heroes beyond the realm of surreality into the realm of buddy adventure movies.

THX-113 Eight Men Out: You may be a Star Wars fan. However, the biggest secret is about to be revealed. A secret will shock everyone and everything so much that even the magnetic poles will reverse in surprise. The world will be shocked by this tale of how George Lucas and actors were bribed by Steven Spielberg to tank Star Wars Episodes 1-3. Your heart strings will be pulled when a small boy asks "Shoeless" George Lucas to say it ain’t so that Jar Jar was actually meant to be funny, and George walks away even smaller than before…