Movie Mashups – By Danny Runion

Once more onto the breach with ideas that are deranged enough to have come from the mind that gave us 50 different killer shark or killer snake movies of the past few years but without the pay or respect. For some reason, you would think there could be a limit to the number of movie plots that could be developed by fusing multiple movies together with a cerebral Brundlefly teleporter. Sleep deprivation and a loose connection to reality are the only things needed to come up with these ideas. Too many people automatically assume they’re the reincarnation of Tennessee Williams or even think that they’re superior to the screenwriters from "Scary Movie 2."

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"At the Brokenback Mountains of Madness"

Somewhere, HP Lovecraft would be spinning in his coffin over this truly frightening idea. On a small backwater planet, in a miserable dimension, Cthulu and Dagon have to tend the 1,000 spawn of Shub Niggurath. As the millennium passes, they start to realize their growing affection for each other. Cthulu is still drawn to his urge to crush mankind in an unspeakable nightmarish vision of chaos colored in blood and sounded in the screams of the innocent. While Dagon has nothing against any nightmarish visions of colored in blood and screams of the innocent, he would rather keep tending the spawn of Shub Niggurath with Cthulu in their own private vista away from the human world of Morton Downey Jr., Kim Kardashian, and Lindsey Lohan. Ang Lee directs this movie exactly like he’s trying to do a sequel to the "Hulk" with all the gimmick camera angles.

"Die Hard-bodies"

Bruce Willis is John McClane in his biggest challenge ever. While going to renew his driver’s license, he realizes that terrorists led by Han Gruber’s second cousin’s nephew’s half-brother are in the next line over. Unfortunately, he’s not carrying his gun. The security guard won’t listen. McClain does have one advantage a group of older guys who think battling terrorists will improve their reputations enough to impress the younger ladies. Can McClane teach them to be butt-kicking wise-cracking heroes in time to still get his license before the DMV closes? Can the terrorists be stopped before completing their nefarious scheme after they can drive to where their nefarious scheme will be implemented? Can John’s apprentices learn that going to bars and using "I really did stop a group of terrorists from attacking the DMV" as a pickup line is completely ridiculous?

"Friday the 13th Part 8: The Muppets Takes Manhattan"

Since slaughtering summer camps is such a chore and tiring, Jason Voorhees has decided to take a vacation from Crystal Lake. Unfortunately, he snuck about the "Love Boat’s" Pacific Princess. He discovers that the ship is carrying a load of Muppets. After, Jason impales Gonzo and Camilla. The Muppets are running for their lives when they get aground at Manhattan. Besides running for their lives, they keep running across various celebrities almost as if the Muppets are taking Manhattan. Jason Voorhees has found his greatest challenge when trying to battle singing puppets through an urban arena. How can a machete-wielder compete with Kermit the Frog singing "It’s Not Easy Being Green?"

"Magnificent 7 Brides for Se7en Brothers"

The world loves thrillers. The time has come to fuse a thriller with a musical. Yes, seven psychopathic brothers decide it is time for them to settle down. However, the- potential brides-to-be decide about their dowries. The brothers from the woods have to now show their potential brides their determination by each eliminating 7 former boyfriends of each bride. The new local police officer is being trained by the retiring one as they discover their biggest case will involve plenty of logger mountain men and spontaneous dancing to unheard music.