Movie Mashups – By Danny Runion

They sit in the chairs and rule over everyone. The only opinions that matter are their opinions. If you don’t fall down and accept how the only movies that matter are those brilliant artistic independent films, you obviously must be wrong and not enough intelligent to accept how truly magnificent they are. Well, with ideas like that, the world has yet to embrace the my brilliance. Why go to a theater filled with derivatively lame movie sequel when you can get completely insane derivative sequels without having to go to a theater, pay $10 for a small diet coke, or have to sit near the guy who has his cell phone attached to his ear more than a 16 year old girl talking about her date by just reading my deranged ramblings on a computer screen?

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"Friday the 13th Part 8: The Muppets Takes Manhattan"

Since slaughtering summer camps is such a chore and tiring, Jason Vorhees has decided to take a vacation from Crystal Lake. Unfortunately, he snuck about the Pacific Princess (yes, the ship from the "Love Boat"). He discovers that the ship is carrying a load of Muppets. After, Jason impales Gonzo and Camilla, the Muppets are running for their lives when they get aground at Manhattan. Besides running for their lives, they keep running across various celebrities almost as if the Muppets are taking Manhattan. Jason Vorhees has found his greatest challenge when trying to battle singing puppets through an urban arena. How can a machete compete with Kermit the Frog sining "It’s Not Easy Being Green?"

"Jurassic Park is Mine"

Tommy Lee Jones plays a disgruntled vet who sneaks onto a tropical island and claims it for himself as a means of protest. Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize that this island happens to have a few occupants from the Mesezoic Era. Yes, he has claimed squaters’ rights on Jurassic Park. He has more problems than protesting when contending with murderous raptors and cute precocious children who are UNIX hackers.

"Near Dark Crystal"

With kids wanting epic fantasy movies, what does the world need? Vampirized puppets based on a Jim Hensen story would be a good start. A small town gelfling is converted into a vampire and falls in witha bad lot of evil muppet vampires. However, his father, with the voice of Tim Thomerson, begins a quest to retrieve a magic crystal that that will remove the vampiric curse from his son, the little gelfling spawn.

"Nightmare On Elm Streetcar Named Desire"

Wes Craven decided the world needed more than horror with his tribute to Tennessee Williams work. However, he was not content with just taking the play and combining it with Freddy Kreuger. That would be far too easy. After watching the "Simpsons", Craven decided to do a musical version of a "Street Car Named Desire". Yes, a musical horror movie should normally have everyone with a single iota of sense to run fast enough to break the speed of light in the opposite direction. However, audiences will be compelled to hear Robert Englund scream "Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" or "Nancyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Freddy Kreuger is roaming the dreams of teenagers searching for Heather Langenkamp.