Movie Mashups: The Classics 35 – by Danny Runion

After more than a year of completely derivative fused horror and sci-fi genre movies, it is time for a change of fusing movies. Don’t worry my numerous ten of fans, my deluded fusions of movies have been slightly tweaked and taken uptown though not in the company of Billy Joel… Don’t fear I’ve not fallen in the realm of artsy indy films. Take approximately one classic movie with one that’s not and see what gets diffused from the mixture. However, I thought to try and go some classically fused quality movies without too many blatant references to beach volleyball-playing actresses clad in bikinis.

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"American Psycho"

Patrick Bateman is back. After deciding to give up his 1980s Gordon Gecko-style stock trading career, he buys an old out-of-the-way hotel from a distant relative. Patrick fixes it up and changes the name from the "Bates Motel" to the "Bateman Motel." After a short span, Bateman gets completely sick and tired of making sure the ice machine is working. After too many complaints about the beds being too hard and showers being too cold, he finally flips out which isn’t a big surprise. With his zeal, he cuts into his complaining customers with a new found relish but without the mustard.


"Se7en Brides for Se7en Brothers"

What does a heartwarming musical need? How about a serial killer striking his victims based upon the seven deadly sins? Morgan Freeman returns as the detective determined to catch the nefarious John Doe between stylized dance numbers. The one big surprise is how many rugs does Kevin Spacey dance while Morgan Freeman is in the library researching the crimes while his partner is off on long term leave after never recovering from laughing maniacally at seeing the severed head of Gwyneth Paltrow.


"Soylent Green Berets"

John Wayne is leading an elite group of soldiers in the front lines. He discovers that the enemy aren’t the greatest danger after butting against a smug fellow officer, Charleston Heston. Unfortunately, he discovers that the washouts are being recycled back into the system as Soylent Green C-Rations. Can the truth be revealed in time? Of course, the end credits could only roll to a song sung by Sgt. Barry Sadler who gave us the original "Ballad of the Green Beret" song.

"Witness for the Prosecution"

In a much publicized murder case, the defense attorney is trying to come up a defense for his client. Even after being warned not to take the case, he is too drawn in by the challenge of the case. As the prosecution seeming torpedoes his client’s chances for acquittal, he finally discovers a witness. As the defense attorney investigates deeper he realizes through a mirror of deceptions, the only truths are the lies you tell yourself. Harrison Ford plays a cop who goes undercover as an Amish man to protect a witness who someone is trying to get her to recant while wondering if he can get a sequel for "Cowoys & Aliens."