Movie Mashups V: A New Beginning – By Danny Runion

Once again, my rambled movies have returned. Please repeat to yourself, some people were actually paid to write scripts for movies like House of the Dead and Toxic Avenger 3. Somehow, I think that they may definitely spent more time on their plot points but don’t acknowledge the realization of utter cinematic crap they’re producing. Too many people automatically assume they’re the reincarnation of Tennessee Williams or even think that they’re superior to the screenwriters from Scary Movie 2.

* * *

1. Apple Dumpling Gangs of New York

Martin Scorsese is back for his sequel to Gangs of New York. This time, a couple of orphans have to be brought into the city by the nefarious villains Tim Conway and a computer generated Don Knotts. Even worse, they have to contend with a gaggle of gang members for the recently reestablished Dead Rabbit Gang. Yes, the world has been waiting with bated breath for the knife fight between Barney Fife and the guy from My Left Foot.

2. Captain American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt
Captain America is back after Captain American Werewolf in London. After recovering from lycanthropy, taking a relaxing vacation in the Far East, he discovers one of the secret ninja clans for world domination…Now, he has to learn the secrets of the ninja to contend with the villainous and ninjariffic, Red Skull.

3. Don’t Tell Mom, the Babysitter’s Dead Hate the Living

A group of kids discover that their babysitter died. Even worse than leaving them alone for the summer, they discover the babysitter has reanimated quite a few of the dead into zombies before her fatal accident. Now Christina Applegate has to figure out a way to support her siblings, keep it a secret about the babysitter and the zombies, and not winding up into Barbara food.


4. Home Alone In the Dark

Macaulay Cualkin is inadvertently left home alone over Christmas. That happens to be the least of his problems when he must lead an elite group of military specialists including Stephen Dorff to battle hideously lame computer generated monsters while trying to comprehend the complete scientific insanity of Dr. Tara Reid. Home Alone in the Dark could only be made in all its Uwe Boll glory and the patent pending Matrix bullet-time gag.

5. Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach Blanket Bingo

The police department has Tackleberry, Jonesy, Captain Lassard, and all the others to a police convention. In Miami, a riot breaks out among the college kids on a spring break concerning the girls’ gone wild videos. The Miami police resort to having the Police Academy officers regain tranquility and discover whatever happened to Steve Guttenberg.